Have Fun, Dont Die, by Schu

I know seriously, I actually did this. What the hell. At first the place I wanted was fully booked and then I was peer pressured into "Extremo"... I thought, dear god, what the hell am I doing. I do not exaggerate that these are the actual views. Though lugging my camera along as I trekked up mountain trails, and even they do not do it justice to the depth and height of propelling yourself above Gods green earth... and then hurdling at high speed seemed less than a stellar idea so I can not furnish you with evidence. Except, seriously, what was I thinking!

But ok, heres the thing, Im sitting in the office feeling whiny that the one I wanted was full and then this one they say, ok, theres room, but theres a weight limit. Awesome. Which granted in the back of my mind I knew, and was prepared for, but the reality of being too heavy for an activity is still a blow to selfesteem and the slow but progressive weightloss made so far. Im trying! I want to scream out. And then have a tantrum. I say to my tactful guide Martin, I am undertheweightlimit but JUST barely. Hes like well if youre under, youll be fine... but secretly all night Im thinking up rejection scenarios, involving the finger of death, columns of smoke, and sacrificing myself to a volcano, just so I dont have to hear those skinny bitches go, aw, saaaad. And Im already saying it myself anyway, aw, youre sad.

So people thought it was nerves, but really it was fear of rejection, grappling with fat, selfesteem, image, and ýah, snapping wires and falling to a grizzly and painful death. Not to mention the food in Monteverde mostly sucks and is overpriced. Sure I had a spectacular chocolate milkshake last night but the quesidilla was crap and tonight they had the nerve to sell me dark meat on a chicken and call it a filet. Insulted I tell you!

But anyway, we start the day with an idyllic nature hike, half the group taken out by the mystery illness, and the rest slog through and take the place completely for granted and Im trying my hand at American enthusiasm and asking all sorts of questions. We do spot the rare quetzal- which is a gorgeous bird. If I had a proper (ahem) support team Id be able to tell you more, though it is the holidays. (Ahem). We saw a badger type things, various birds and a trantula and all in all it was just my speed. Meandering through nature. Going to hummingbird outlooks and petting the mossy trees and taking pictures of Julie eating a medicinal plant thats suppose to help with nausea. But for all that, its gorgeous and messy and hard to capture and I suppose easy to gloss over the fact that monkeys exist and are trapseing above the forest canopy completly out of your reach.

Naturally needing extremes I had time to grab a last meal and be one with the soaring vultures. I again, head hanging low and dogearred, got into the van to meet my doom, thinking, obviously everyone must be thinking im too fat to be here... but as it was it melted away and I was being trussed up, harnassed, and reassured that I was going to have a good time... and my pulse started doublestepping it, as I deepbreathed and shook my head and repeatedly with each line, each flight of stairs and winding path, my god, my god, what have i done!

As each one you conquer your fear of death only to be faced with it again, 10minutes later. Truly these lines were epic and spanned the canyon. A few smaller... hopping here and there... trudge trudge trudge... and you go through a routine, is this harness getting more uncomfortable, the guide asks if youre having a good time, you like a zombie nod yes. They hook you, they unhook you and you face falling, you face getting stuck in the middle of amile in no mans land, feeling like icarus.

Not to say it was all life and death and routine... there was a few hairy incidents where, because of my weight i did have to go full tilt or risk getting stuck, and likewise the skinny folks at times had to pair up because they were too light. During one particular moment I was coming to fast but the sun was high and the guide was shaded and yes, I "tried" to "stop"... since the guide only gives you 2 signs- speed up, or, slow the fuck down youre going to die. So naturally I cant quite tell what hes saying until the hands go out like hes a wall to my macktruck... and my tattered glove almost comes off as I press on the wire, getting jerked around by the friction, but hey, I made it, with half the runway left. I heave a sigh of relief and everyone starts talking about how nervous the guides got, then David arrives right after and says, You were going FAST! Death ZERO. SCHU 1.

Then there was another long one where, I followed the guides directions and stopped but too much so, and became stalled about 30ft out, to avoid a collision. He being a macho and resiliant 16 yr old thought hed just zip out and haul my tonofbricks in. Oh not so mi amigo. I was doing fine on my own until you showed up. So then naturally they send another person hurdling toward me and well I get back alright but 4 people all twined together get stranded 100ft out, and naturally the plucky and arrogant muchacho zips out to save them. Right. We cheered them on but David who was already ill was pushed to the limit, dangling and twisting in space. And the guide several times had to stop and rest and tip backwards as hed bitten off more than he could chew. But in the end we all made it and the rest was smoothe sailing...

Until it came time to repel... which basically means they kick you off a ledge and tell you to hold on. I burned up a portion of glove trying to slow down. Yes, I admit, trust exercises... I have my limits... But having survived the 2 story drop we soldiered on up and up to the ominous "Tarzan Swing" where we heard Harriettes blood curdling scream as she was pushed from the ledge and hurdled free flying twisting into space. At this point David was really hoping Id back out so he could, but when Harriette said, SCHU, youve come this far, it lit an automatic switch in my brain to keep going. She said, scream. I said I dont scream...

And as the guide said, bend your knees, and off the platform I went, ripping through the air and closer and closer to a massive tree, I gasped and then yelled with echoing bellow strength, OHHHH MMYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

holyshit.
fuck.
oh
my
god
i could kiss that tree
fuck
ohmygod.

They cheered me on and as my weighted benefit momentum eventually started coming to rest it was time for the guides to catch me in a black harness... the first time failed and I swung and swung, and lowered my legs for drag then got suckered in by the waist and caught flailing like a fish as mz release was stuck and tangled up, but eventually, shaking with adreneline and harassed for my Valley Oh, M-Gawd, ways, I was cheered and happy to be done with it. And not too nauseous either.

To lull us into a false sense of finish we sat and sat and then climbed and climbed to be confronted with the last 3 lines. I said, Great, 3 more chances to die. David said, thats a bit grim.

2 down and the big mammoth one to go again I went full tilt into space, legs bent, ankles crossed, not breaking until the end, looking out over the valley, recognizing my madness but in awe over the epic wildnerness and the exileration of me suspended on a wire with only the birds went, left me feeling dazed and in a dream. The guide said, you landed good, very good. Like a pro. Im sure he says that to everyone but I tipped them well anyway and was giddy and high the whole way home. But tomorrow besides the buses and 2 ferry crossings, this girl is going to hover low to the ground for a while, munch on grass, and only look up at passing cars or perhaps someone calling me, and telling me, youre so far from finished... next, youll know what its like to rush through water... But not for a few days yet anzway. Its time to rest.