My anxiety has slacked to a light intermittent wind. On Sunday I talked to my body about its pilgramage on earth. I said, wake up, wake up body. You're clouding my eyes to the adventure I hold myself to be on. Body, I say, this isn't ordinary. There is no before or after, but only now. Body, this is what you came for didn't you know? You wanted weather. You wanted the black sand and volcanic rock. You wanted less. You wanted solitude. Body wake up. Wake up from the garden and the stark blue sky of California. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Can you feel the difference? Not better, not worse but new. Take it in. You are not at home anymore.
O'Ecclesia, to this i have come. This shore of Christ's people lapping at my feet. Wake up. Wake up. The children at your door. The sea at your ear. Wake up. Wake up, to the God that is able. Awake senses, as He shows us the way. He will keep us. He will guide us. Do you hear? Stop straining. Come into the present. Stop longing for what was commanded you relinquish. Body rejoice in the labor the Lord has given you. Here you are. He gives- the walks you take, the food you eat, the water you drink, the wide ocean, the noise and clatter, the sound of korean, the coffee and bread of life, see how the Lord has established you here... and that cat too maybe. For now. None of this is routine. Don't let your need to be comfortable blind you to the extraordinary that you find yourself in.
So after that I went out with a group of 20 somethings. I play young but that 12 year gap yawned in my mind- not in a bad way for the most part, just curiously. So much of me feels young and wide eyed. It was an interesting reversal. I can only hope my brain will continue to take in the information, and to be at the end or rather beginning of a trajectory is also something- to have no sure plan after 1 year, then what... lunch, more coffee, groceries, fish and chips... and then what... hmm, perhaps we should start a pool for what happens next... but then it's only been a month.
Today I found my mind longing for the future of being better, more equipped, more expert, and trying to pull me down. It's ridiculously tricky to negotiate all aspects of the self right now. I don't have one thing like joblessness looming over me to be the bench mark of success or failure if such things exist. I know that my skin is breaking out for some reason, and the skin disease the cat has from malnurishment requires baths 2x a week... with 10minutes of conditioning... are you kidding me? And that I need more games, and yes the young kids need discipline, and I wish I could express the nuance of Jun Hoon and Jin Hyun, but it frequently alludes me, and those kids they just say, Teacher, Games and that one kid today just kept shooting me with machine guns and bombing me with mortars. I said, no kill teacher. But he continued. Next time i will erect an invisible shield but in the mean time...
I was dreading a one on one teaching session but she was delightful. And then realized also I have no idea how to grade papers, but then also the walk in the rain that had my feet wet, had me smiling with the latte in my hand, and a brisk but measured step off the bus... it all awaits me. And the word of now is, Provision, and it wraps around me in stewardship.
the good.
k-
O'Ecclesia, to this i have come. This shore of Christ's people lapping at my feet. Wake up. Wake up. The children at your door. The sea at your ear. Wake up. Wake up, to the God that is able. Awake senses, as He shows us the way. He will keep us. He will guide us. Do you hear? Stop straining. Come into the present. Stop longing for what was commanded you relinquish. Body rejoice in the labor the Lord has given you. Here you are. He gives- the walks you take, the food you eat, the water you drink, the wide ocean, the noise and clatter, the sound of korean, the coffee and bread of life, see how the Lord has established you here... and that cat too maybe. For now. None of this is routine. Don't let your need to be comfortable blind you to the extraordinary that you find yourself in.
So after that I went out with a group of 20 somethings. I play young but that 12 year gap yawned in my mind- not in a bad way for the most part, just curiously. So much of me feels young and wide eyed. It was an interesting reversal. I can only hope my brain will continue to take in the information, and to be at the end or rather beginning of a trajectory is also something- to have no sure plan after 1 year, then what... lunch, more coffee, groceries, fish and chips... and then what... hmm, perhaps we should start a pool for what happens next... but then it's only been a month.
Today I found my mind longing for the future of being better, more equipped, more expert, and trying to pull me down. It's ridiculously tricky to negotiate all aspects of the self right now. I don't have one thing like joblessness looming over me to be the bench mark of success or failure if such things exist. I know that my skin is breaking out for some reason, and the skin disease the cat has from malnurishment requires baths 2x a week... with 10minutes of conditioning... are you kidding me? And that I need more games, and yes the young kids need discipline, and I wish I could express the nuance of Jun Hoon and Jin Hyun, but it frequently alludes me, and those kids they just say, Teacher, Games and that one kid today just kept shooting me with machine guns and bombing me with mortars. I said, no kill teacher. But he continued. Next time i will erect an invisible shield but in the mean time...
I was dreading a one on one teaching session but she was delightful. And then realized also I have no idea how to grade papers, but then also the walk in the rain that had my feet wet, had me smiling with the latte in my hand, and a brisk but measured step off the bus... it all awaits me. And the word of now is, Provision, and it wraps around me in stewardship.
the good.
k-
4 comments:
I'll tell you I have my passport but that would be a lie. It is hidden from me. Will it suddenly be found. With a shout of thanks be to God! Or with a duh? Bravely going forward. How can't the children love you? They are hiding that for now, lest they seem to be won over too easily.
Thanks for these "stranger in a strange land" musings. Feeling displaced myself today in Virginia -- far from the N.California that I'm used to. Comforting to hear someone articulate what that feels like.
stewardship! huzzah.
I concur with your mother...those kids sound an awful lot like you if so. I remember conversations about your little Karen and the wariness with which you observed adults. -- D
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