Instead of blogging about work difficulties/adjustments/latent irritations- they're there and i'm unnerved but I simply can't express them with more eloquence then GARR! and WTF! and COME ON! and really GOD?! It does have to do with the tension of the sea and the earth though. It can be read applicably. So for now,
The ocean. I dig it right? It's all vast and unexplored and what not. Except I don't. Not really. You know I'm always having those annoying conversations. Don't worry i'm the annoying one, when I'm all, I don't know, I find whenever I stare at the ocean to remind me of how I long for God, and how I'm absented from Him on this temporal plane. Where as I always find the one person who loves the ocean, who is transfixed, who sees God's expanse and is awed... and i'm all gafaw, I feel closer to God in the mountains. There I feel like I'm joining in the chorus of angels and can sing His praises... And then I say, well there was this one moment of desolation when I was in Alaska, it was achingly glorious, and all I felt was how I wanted to be a part of glory, to be in His presence and yet couldn't be. There were 2 double rainbows, a golden eagle soaring, perpetual pink and purple ribboned clouds on golden dusted threads and yet, heart ache and longing, otherness and aloneness, over a glassy sheet of teals and emeralds-joy, bliss, and yet in my mind hovering in the shadowofdeath. And when I'm at my favorite beaches I think aw, man, i'm total shark bait right now. Sure I still dive into the waves like a seal but still. It's never a happy convo. I get seasick too. But still, dolphins in the wild actually make me cry- but i digress, When I was little, the sandpuking waves at zuma beach churned up a rock and threw it at my head so my neck was stuck with a pinched nerve for like 10years or something too... Ok so we might have issues. And it's not like I don't think i'll get eaten by bears when I'm in the woods- so nature you know, fully jaded by its rogue fallen status just as much- equally maybe. But you know which is more likely to make me feel bliss- it's a garden.
I've found having been confronted with staring at it, the looks pretty big, this eastchinasea, lo' these 11 or 12 days that I become too transfixed by it's moods- It stirs me up and agitates me, and the fiber of my being, which is of the earth and of trees and of the ox, longs to plod, be fixed, rooted, and given it's proper space and time, rebels. It's totally too fluid and restless. Too full of tides, pushed around as it is by the wind and moon, by the hot and the cold. Also I'm facing north, which forever has always been associated with evil, the bitter cold, and inhospitbleness. Id rather face East if I could, despite the fabulous light I get. Or I'd like to maybe be tucked into the hill we've got with all of it's narrow pines. It completely irks me I haven't walked up there yet. I'm sure after the tempests of winter give way to the gentle gusts? of spring I'll be more in love with my luckyhouse, and my too true, enchanting view. God will speak to me about my labors there, and chaff the callouses away with heavy volcanic sands.And I'll find the smoother, gentler stone of karen in korea? no? too much? I know. I mean let's not predict how this whole experience is going to change me. Who can say...
But for now it's saying, boundaries and undue heavy influence and in need of mood stabilizers as the rain taps gently on my window. I had said I missed weather, like I said my life needed bigger margains. I have them in spades now and am slowly eating my words as i sit for the bus in the dark for 20minutes in the cold, or as I skitter home in the snow. There's delight everywhere though and happy thoughts amidst the overarching mental battering I'm receiving. I get that. For instance, my yellow umbrella- people have good umbrellas over here- lovely carved wooden handles, just like mine, of course not yellow, but still styled. She's fitting right in. She makes me smile as I unfurl her everytime. Or as I walked toward my now favorite coffee shop yoger presso, which i've found makes the best tasting lattes ever, the sidewalk a soft pebbled red, shone a yellow orange cast in the street lamps, glossed by the rain, and the trees anchoring the path arched over, barren, and shadowed, curved over each other in the night. It startled me, that's how pleasing it was. I was ranting to myself about how i better buy myself the latte i knew i deserved and had been waiting for or else, and suddenly I was gripped at the show i was walking through. Oh, hello. Hi.
Those sorts of things. The crunch of snow as your shoe hits it for the first time as it compacts under the weight of your step. Or the taste of just right lattes with cinnamon. You can only hope it transfixes you long enough so that you're relaxed and not on a mutinous diatribe about micromanaging. And arguing with imaginary people about only having taught for 4 days and having the flu for exactly 4 of those 4 days and... ok, i need to go look for the moon. I don't even know if I've seen the stars yet. Those are the things that will settle into me for the better. The other stuff I can only pray will work itself right through me.
The ocean. I dig it right? It's all vast and unexplored and what not. Except I don't. Not really. You know I'm always having those annoying conversations. Don't worry i'm the annoying one, when I'm all, I don't know, I find whenever I stare at the ocean to remind me of how I long for God, and how I'm absented from Him on this temporal plane. Where as I always find the one person who loves the ocean, who is transfixed, who sees God's expanse and is awed... and i'm all gafaw, I feel closer to God in the mountains. There I feel like I'm joining in the chorus of angels and can sing His praises... And then I say, well there was this one moment of desolation when I was in Alaska, it was achingly glorious, and all I felt was how I wanted to be a part of glory, to be in His presence and yet couldn't be. There were 2 double rainbows, a golden eagle soaring, perpetual pink and purple ribboned clouds on golden dusted threads and yet, heart ache and longing, otherness and aloneness, over a glassy sheet of teals and emeralds-joy, bliss, and yet in my mind hovering in the shadowofdeath. And when I'm at my favorite beaches I think aw, man, i'm total shark bait right now. Sure I still dive into the waves like a seal but still. It's never a happy convo. I get seasick too. But still, dolphins in the wild actually make me cry- but i digress, When I was little, the sandpuking waves at zuma beach churned up a rock and threw it at my head so my neck was stuck with a pinched nerve for like 10years or something too... Ok so we might have issues. And it's not like I don't think i'll get eaten by bears when I'm in the woods- so nature you know, fully jaded by its rogue fallen status just as much- equally maybe. But you know which is more likely to make me feel bliss- it's a garden.
I've found having been confronted with staring at it, the looks pretty big, this eastchinasea, lo' these 11 or 12 days that I become too transfixed by it's moods- It stirs me up and agitates me, and the fiber of my being, which is of the earth and of trees and of the ox, longs to plod, be fixed, rooted, and given it's proper space and time, rebels. It's totally too fluid and restless. Too full of tides, pushed around as it is by the wind and moon, by the hot and the cold. Also I'm facing north, which forever has always been associated with evil, the bitter cold, and inhospitbleness. Id rather face East if I could, despite the fabulous light I get. Or I'd like to maybe be tucked into the hill we've got with all of it's narrow pines. It completely irks me I haven't walked up there yet. I'm sure after the tempests of winter give way to the gentle gusts? of spring I'll be more in love with my luckyhouse, and my too true, enchanting view. God will speak to me about my labors there, and chaff the callouses away with heavy volcanic sands.
But for now it's saying, boundaries and undue heavy influence and in need of mood stabilizers as the rain taps gently on my window. I had said I missed weather, like I said my life needed bigger margains. I have them in spades now and am slowly eating my words as i sit for the bus in the dark for 20minutes in the cold, or as I skitter home in the snow. There's delight everywhere though and happy thoughts amidst the overarching mental battering I'm receiving. I get that. For instance, my yellow umbrella- people have good umbrellas over here- lovely carved wooden handles, just like mine, of course not yellow, but still styled. She's fitting right in. She makes me smile as I unfurl her everytime. Or as I walked toward my now favorite coffee shop yoger presso, which i've found makes the best tasting lattes ever, the sidewalk a soft pebbled red, shone a yellow orange cast in the street lamps, glossed by the rain, and the trees anchoring the path arched over, barren, and shadowed, curved over each other in the night. It startled me, that's how pleasing it was. I was ranting to myself about how i better buy myself the latte i knew i deserved and had been waiting for or else, and suddenly I was gripped at the show i was walking through. Oh, hello. Hi.
Those sorts of things. The crunch of snow as your shoe hits it for the first time as it compacts under the weight of your step. Or the taste of just right lattes with cinnamon. You can only hope it transfixes you long enough so that you're relaxed and not on a mutinous diatribe about micromanaging. And arguing with imaginary people about only having taught for 4 days and having the flu for exactly 4 of those 4 days and... ok, i need to go look for the moon. I don't even know if I've seen the stars yet. Those are the things that will settle into me for the better. The other stuff I can only pray will work itself right through me.
2 comments:
ah, settling dust...
I had no idea you and I were so v similar re: land vs ocean?
love these magic moments in the tumult. like perfect lattes and the unfurling of le yellow umbrella.
I can hear the umbrella as it pops open! And see the pavement and feel the turbulent sea.
And so I just watched an episode of Shawn the Sheep and off I go to bed. Good night. Have a good day and soar with the eagles and blah blah blah, etc.
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