I'm pausing my korean drama to tell you what happened to me today. It's been super stressful at work, to the point of tearing up in the bathroom over a place i just really don't want to be. And wondering what could've gone so wrong. But today was a pretty good day. I did some light if not completely competent lesson planning. None of the kids were completely atrocious, but I felt like any sub would i suppose and didn't want to crack down too hard, not that it's easy to do either when you don't know their names. Like hey you in the back stop goofing around? And they turn on that I speak Korean and you don't face. I sort of think, though I know the other teachers are harder- but that if you don't care, can i make you? Are you interfering with other students? No? Ok. Fine. I'm sure there's a line but not on the 2nd day of a class I'm subbing on. Anyway, I fatally walk upstairs from my classroom, with that phew, made it through the day! Wow! I can't believe it sort of feeling. And as i'm putting attendence cards away, one of the k teachers says that a girl was talking in the hallway that she got away with reading a comicbook in class- yes, sure "i didn't notice"/care and was freaked out as i tried to move through an hour lesson plan on wednesday- but whatever, and let same girl do whatever the hell she was doing behind her folder because i didn't care just an hour before... Is it bad that I shrugged my shoulders and was thinking to myself- that's the least of my problems?!
So another k teacher was leaving. She says, are you leaving. I say yah. I hand Sg back her folder. There's some light banter. I tidy up and head out the door. Success. Feeling good. It's a 10min walk down the hill at least to the bus. I get it miraculously- right as it's pulling up. I have a second hesitation, like, hmm i must have forgotten something. What was it. I get on the bus, counting on my fingers and the realization flushes my cheeks and floods on me like i might passout or vomit or something. Yes, forgot to teach my last class. The 735 class. I mean I must have been in the elevator when the bell sounded. I still can't believe how it was possible that I got out of there and all the way down the hill without realizing. Did i really leave so fast? Luckily it's only a few minutes busride but by the time i run the short block to my apt and up 3flights to the other teachers house because she has a phone, my heart is pounding, and it's already 25minutes in to the class- aka pointless for me to turn around and come back. Sg is oddly ok, or supressing some sort of rage? about it? Or genuinely doesn't want to yell at me so that I won't quit. I'm not sure? But luckily another teacher happened to have downtime so he stepped in, like the consumate professional he is. And she said, it can't happen again, and quickly changed beats and said, it won't happen again. Have a good weekend. Don't worry about it. It worked out... mmhmm. Yes. But still. How embarrassing. I wish there had been another better reason than a shoulder shrug- and a mentally they didn't exist to me in that moment... I don't even know. All I can say is, that's a new one.
Meanwhile what was the point brain? to let me down on that small matter? I ask you, why. Which leads to the inevitable- why God? I mean yes, i had secretly resented that R had asked to take the class twice and Sg refused his help and dumped them onto me for learnings sake or whatever but i don't think my brain or body should be acting independently of the other on this - is all i'm saying. I mean seriously, what the hell. Anyway my head is swimming and i need to lie down. This has all been a bit ridiculous- i mean i understand brain, i get it- you can't adjust to a new physical reality/time zone/ et al. and have a seriously stressful work environ. Things are bound to give. Is that what you're telling me?
Still. File under: Mortified.
So another k teacher was leaving. She says, are you leaving. I say yah. I hand Sg back her folder. There's some light banter. I tidy up and head out the door. Success. Feeling good. It's a 10min walk down the hill at least to the bus. I get it miraculously- right as it's pulling up. I have a second hesitation, like, hmm i must have forgotten something. What was it. I get on the bus, counting on my fingers and the realization flushes my cheeks and floods on me like i might passout or vomit or something. Yes, forgot to teach my last class. The 735 class. I mean I must have been in the elevator when the bell sounded. I still can't believe how it was possible that I got out of there and all the way down the hill without realizing. Did i really leave so fast? Luckily it's only a few minutes busride but by the time i run the short block to my apt and up 3flights to the other teachers house because she has a phone, my heart is pounding, and it's already 25minutes in to the class- aka pointless for me to turn around and come back. Sg is oddly ok, or supressing some sort of rage? about it? Or genuinely doesn't want to yell at me so that I won't quit. I'm not sure? But luckily another teacher happened to have downtime so he stepped in, like the consumate professional he is. And she said, it can't happen again, and quickly changed beats and said, it won't happen again. Have a good weekend. Don't worry about it. It worked out... mmhmm. Yes. But still. How embarrassing. I wish there had been another better reason than a shoulder shrug- and a mentally they didn't exist to me in that moment... I don't even know. All I can say is, that's a new one.
Meanwhile what was the point brain? to let me down on that small matter? I ask you, why. Which leads to the inevitable- why God? I mean yes, i had secretly resented that R had asked to take the class twice and Sg refused his help and dumped them onto me for learnings sake or whatever but i don't think my brain or body should be acting independently of the other on this - is all i'm saying. I mean seriously, what the hell. Anyway my head is swimming and i need to lie down. This has all been a bit ridiculous- i mean i understand brain, i get it- you can't adjust to a new physical reality/time zone/ et al. and have a seriously stressful work environ. Things are bound to give. Is that what you're telling me?
Still. File under: Mortified.
3 comments:
Oh Karen I'm soooo sorry you had such a crappy day - but you know that in just a few months (ok maybe years) that is going to make one helluva an awesome story!! Of course that does little to assuage the waves of horror that are passing over you. It WILL get better my friend.
I agree, it will get better and will someday be a reference point of - look how far I've come. until then...oh I hate that for you. one of those impossible to understand moments that all boils down to us not being perfect. hugs.
re: discipline, that will come too. I agree you've got so much more higher priority stuff to nail down before worrying about comic book reading? but another annoying little barb to suffer in an already overwhelming situation.
I know there is a lot you are doing completely awesomely and wondrously. don't lose sight of them brave strong woman!
Is it as bad as forgetting what day your elementary school child returns from camp?
I'm just saying... I was younger than you are now when I did that.
Hugs to you.
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