I've got some anxiety living in my chest since monday. I can feel it when i'm not teaching, when i get up, go to work, leave work, sitting at home. It seems inherently disconnected from my mental state which is just treading water and getting it done. It makes me wonder where it's coming from. I think knock it off body or, God reveal to me what I'm holding onto. Since I read somewhere it all stems from trying to take what's not mine, what i can't control. What body, are you not letting go of? Deep breathing. Poor body. I don't know how i could've prepared you for the shit shift. Possibly more apropos. My body is calling for home. It longs to be in the garden, among my own cats, among my own people, among the early budding spring and spiking gas prices. It says, why am I here... and whines. It wants-Vibrating at a lower frequency. Moving less. Working a day behind and not following a watch, days, hours. It's freaked out. It's cold. It's frequently grey. The wind is loud. The sounds are different...the sky is not stark blue. Lolly isn't here. Yes, body, it's different, it's the other. You are close to the sea and the earth is not sand but porous rock. For lent though I want to not invite anxiety to live in me. As J says though I must shed light on it and not bury it in order to let it go. But it's hard when my body and mind aren't in sync. Hard to articulate. Hard to sympathize.
Same with my emotional state. Taking it hard when a student falls asleep in class. Despairing easily when same student refuses to work and continues to draw a n/ke logo on his slate instead of the word "climb" and your pleading with him patiently and silently, but there are no words in between, even ones he can't understand i'm not compelled to say. And knowing it's not the student. It's not me. It's a host of things as we misstep each other. He threw away his trash though so i knew there was a measure of respect left, but still. My emotions say fail as i sit in his willful noncompliance. Or when i've suddenly realized I spent 1/2 hour on one thing, or realize that the one thing i wanted to take 20minutes only took 5. How to pull it in, how to drag it out- it all comes with that word experience that makes teaching an art. I get it. It's not helpful though for my emotions to hear- the first year is rough, or you'll learn or... blah blah something, because all it feels is the gaping lack and the miss and the offness of it all. The sad fact that my tongue is tied and my understanding can only translate through my eyes and actions also. Which helps i know. I can see that with my youngest students because though they act like hellions they smile when they see me. And i know the most important thing is translating correctly. My introverted nature now pulled and absorbing all the latent energy. Trying through eyes and sympathetic gestures to win over the hostile, to temper the mean, to tame the energetic, to focus the roaming... it's alot. I know it's a success if when it's over they know i loved and was kind, and to try and loosely rein them in until i learn their names.
So this is what it is. It's just a lot. I know. And i need more quiet spaces of surrender and stillness in the meantime. And know that as LL quoted to me, God is a calm sea of mercy. I looked out at the water, and at that moment it was and echoed knowing into my heart and to my mind also. Here's to unity and wholeness in my whole self- that God would speak to the parts that need to align under His mighty hand. And that I would find joy and light as I go through this new wilderness- with a spirit of adventure, as each day there is something to know, to find, to be discovered... to record and write down for myself that is not just routine or a job or a country... you get the idea.
***
And in laying upon us the light cross of ashes, the Church desires to take off our shoulders all other heavy burdens—the crushing load of worry and guilt, the dead weight of our own self-love. We should not take upon ourselves a "burden" of penance and stagger into Lent as if we were Atlas, carrying the whole world on his shoulders...This is not the God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who Himself "hides" our sins and gets them out of sight...The God of Ash Wednesday is like a calm sea of mercy, and in Him there is no anger. -Thomas Merton
Same with my emotional state. Taking it hard when a student falls asleep in class. Despairing easily when same student refuses to work and continues to draw a n/ke logo on his slate instead of the word "climb" and your pleading with him patiently and silently, but there are no words in between, even ones he can't understand i'm not compelled to say. And knowing it's not the student. It's not me. It's a host of things as we misstep each other. He threw away his trash though so i knew there was a measure of respect left, but still. My emotions say fail as i sit in his willful noncompliance. Or when i've suddenly realized I spent 1/2 hour on one thing, or realize that the one thing i wanted to take 20minutes only took 5. How to pull it in, how to drag it out- it all comes with that word experience that makes teaching an art. I get it. It's not helpful though for my emotions to hear- the first year is rough, or you'll learn or... blah blah something, because all it feels is the gaping lack and the miss and the offness of it all. The sad fact that my tongue is tied and my understanding can only translate through my eyes and actions also. Which helps i know. I can see that with my youngest students because though they act like hellions they smile when they see me. And i know the most important thing is translating correctly. My introverted nature now pulled and absorbing all the latent energy. Trying through eyes and sympathetic gestures to win over the hostile, to temper the mean, to tame the energetic, to focus the roaming... it's alot. I know it's a success if when it's over they know i loved and was kind, and to try and loosely rein them in until i learn their names.
So this is what it is. It's just a lot. I know. And i need more quiet spaces of surrender and stillness in the meantime. And know that as LL quoted to me, God is a calm sea of mercy. I looked out at the water, and at that moment it was and echoed knowing into my heart and to my mind also. Here's to unity and wholeness in my whole self- that God would speak to the parts that need to align under His mighty hand. And that I would find joy and light as I go through this new wilderness- with a spirit of adventure, as each day there is something to know, to find, to be discovered... to record and write down for myself that is not just routine or a job or a country... you get the idea.
***
And in laying upon us the light cross of ashes, the Church desires to take off our shoulders all other heavy burdens—the crushing load of worry and guilt, the dead weight of our own self-love. We should not take upon ourselves a "burden" of penance and stagger into Lent as if we were Atlas, carrying the whole world on his shoulders...This is not the God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who Himself "hides" our sins and gets them out of sight...The God of Ash Wednesday is like a calm sea of mercy, and in Him there is no anger. -Thomas Merton
3 comments:
I tried to leave you a comment, but it isn't showing up, so I'm going to try posting it again. Sorry if it ends up doubling. : )
I miss you! And you are not failing! Even when you speak the same language, kids will be unruly in class and have their own individual quirks, especially at that age. The fact that you're keeping them safe and teaching them things is a total win. And for the names, is there a way to get photos of them and write their names phonetically with them? You can even put them in the order they sit in the classroom, if they sit in the same seats every time. I had a professor who did that. Study at home and you're good to go!
I'm also really glad you have a kitty. What did you name her? Sounds like she is just as sensitive to the "other" as you are. Cats are, after all, half in/half out anyway. ;)
Excellent quote.
Hard to believe you've been there a month, although that's still not very long for a large adjustment!
Ah love-- thanks for sharing even this part of the experience. It's all so TRUE and beautifully stated. Not much comfort to hear, probably, but from here you can absolutely see the uniqueness of you and all your richness intersecting this challenge.
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