Blessings and 'the other',

Sorry for the MIAness. Mostly May has been mild...  or without alliteration- pretty good. Played volleyball the last 3 weekends and that gave me something to look forward to, grounded me a bit and the weather has been good. Plus birthday amusements and awesome packages. And this weekend is buddhas birthday weekend so we have monday off. Gives me a chance to be at home - puttering around a studio apt takes less time but principally the same tasks apply- plants, dishes, sweeping, laundry, food... and watching how the light filters through my apt is something that makes me happy... so after that-

I just got back from hanging out with my co-workers. Which for some reason i had a bit of a reluctance to do- mostly because yes i am anti-social and i didn't want to do anything, and also i just had the idea that they would be speaking korean non-stop and i would be staring into space a lot.

It happened like this- they didn't really note my birthday. They sort of blip by and you're lucky if someone takes notice. The office isn't really uh- community oriented in terms of being recognized as a teacher or a group? It's not the k-teachers fault. There's just no one to do it. Granted I am guilty of that to some degree...  And i told Y that my birthday had been sunday and she said, aw we have to celebrate it and seemed genuinely bummed she didn't know. Which was nice. I forgot about it. Also my dream of co-worker outings with the new foreign teacher M came immediately to an end because of what i'll call the 'shunning'.

Since I had a definite feeling they wouldn't want to go to the neorebang and bbq with her like they did with J and I... and that's only because I had come now that i reflect on it. Since J never went out with them before I got there. That sounds horrible but anyway- I broached it once and was met with a pointed silence of busy-ness. I was reminded what J said to me before she left, K, they LIKE YOU. To preface the k teachers share their meals. They have a dish of rice they keep in front of them and offer their main and side dishes to everyone at the table. I took it for granted that they ate whatever I offered. Even if it was just a polite bite, usually it's more, and i also had the right to ask them to help finish whatever i had so i wouldn't take home leftovers. Not just because i'm older or the same age but because- why not. And then J said to me, it took me months before they would even touch what I brought. I stopped short. The korean phrase to use in most situations is REALLY?! (for real? getout! but said more like RI-LLY?! [Chin-cha!]). And then I noticed that they wouldn't even look in the direction of the food that M brought and that's with M's 'try this' and 'this is such and such'. Even after Y, who felt bad, was like, no you guys, really it's good. PAINFUL.

And I got that horrible, aw come on guys, feeling. Chin-cha!? Come on. I don't know what I did to deserve inclusion except that I'm super, i don't know- neutral? or calm. It doesn't do well to be a western extrovert around a bunch of introverted Koreans. That's for sure. At it's core- that, include me- I'm trying too hard- Or rather all of my quirks and personalityness is brimming right there at the surface for you to see, and at least these k-teachers are much more quiet on the surface, and won't even let you touch what they think or feel about anything let alone talk about it with you in english- and i can say even from my calm but deepwatered self, i found it super abrasive at first. Grating and annoying. I'm going to hold out hope she wins them overeventually. Because she really does rock as a person. Because she is trying. She embraces language. She makes an effort. She is bold and adventurous, a good cook and a snappy dresser.

But in the meantime, K said to me, 'what are you doing saturday'... i said, i don't know. nothing. she said, come to E's house. J will be there. You can say hi. I could hardly refuse. I underplayed it because i noted, within M's hearing that she wasn't invited. And I liked J a lot- she's back from iceland- they decided not to relocate. And I took my negative, taking it all for granted self- as K picked me up near the bank, and drove us over. They were all dressed casually, i had the idea after a bit that they did this sort of thing-- a lot? That it wasn't just a "oh J's back" celebration. But a, no, we hang out. This is our thing. So that after they considered enough to order me something i could eat, and then further surprised me with a gluten free chocolate mouse that had a cookie on it that said, happy birthday karen, and sung me happy birthday. My deep watered self felt like an ass- and also deeply moved. And conflicted, and honored, and pained.

Anyway i dont know exactly what I'm saying. Except that being included is something I didn't expect, or care about? or I don't know--  it's like falling in deeper water when you expected to just skim the surface.  It's something I can't quite grasp but it's significant. And i hope that I reach out to return the gesture- or aren't so glib as i usually can be about a lot of things. In general i like my sarcasm- but like the other day i was reminded. .. a guy at VB was saying, something about how nice it was, the communityness, and boistering hope and something- and I said, is this restoring your faith in humanity or something?- and he rather off-handedly said- No. I never lost it. And i can say i'm probably somewhere in between. His sincerity touched me and there was no room for a joke or complaint. It just was. I don't know. Or as the koreans love love love to say 'mol-la-yo'. mol-la. mol-la-yo- i don't-know.

k.g/nite.

Appearances

what are your top 4 things about korea?

ok, hmm, let's see i'd say best things about the island so far right? they have really good broth/stew things. the two best dishes i've had involve meat stewed with rice, seaweed, and vege. i'll have to get the names. obviously the low cost of living is a plus, and the ocean view. it seems a shallow list everytime i try and think of something... because to me even top things imply love- and i don't have any loves yet or transcendent moments that were 'the best time ever!'. i have a feeling they'll seep into me slowly and will be things i miss once i'm gone- like cherry blossoms, and magpies or the infuriating wind, or the windows in my apartment or the latte at yogerpresso, or maybe the handsome older gentleman in the golf cap and tweeds who just absolutely smacks of style and finesse that i ride the bus with at 11:10. we'll see. so nothing to rave about yet, but there was a feeling i had last night of meeting with some girls to pray and learn about meditation and i felt a grounding welcoming presence and that was nice.

do you have time to read and journal?

though school is ridiculously consuming compared to most hagwans on the island, it's more a matter of will than opportunity. i downloaded my first audible. pillars of the earth. we'll see. i read curiousity shop online and have read a few grimms fairytales and 'open mind/open heart'... so i suppose that's not so bad. they have to compete with my music habits which are constant, as well as my copious downloading of what i'm missing from home. even today i'm home later than i would be on saturdays and haven't done anything but futz with my apt- sweep, declutter if thats possible and email people. journaling besides this is taking a major beating and has been for years. every so often i'll journal what i'm meditating on or a prayer at church but that's it. so as much as i love the idea and have a few empty ones waiting for me at home i dont really use them anymore which is such a bummer.

what creative outlet are you allowing yourself at the moment?

i don't know. they find me. i mean i made that giraffe thing. i stitched curtains. i made a friend photo collage when i got here but so far that's it. nothing else has set its sight as my must do project when i get home. i did find a couple cheap containers to throw some seeds in and we'll see what comes up provided i can find a place to put them...

pictures of hyuk joon's devil and monster?

his and a few other kids drawings that i laminated... nevermind that i can't decorate my classroom bcs  they want them to look uniform and that the school itself is a weird impersonal and sterile place for a kids school. i'll have to settle for trying to invade spaces on my white board for now. for instance i had a window sticker thing the kids gave me of a cat and i came into the classroom one day to see it had been broken into tiny bits- not sure if someone tried to take it down and move it and it became really brittle or she  whoever was being a horrible person. and super controlling without actually saying anything but just moving everything off the wall to make a point.

but on a better note i'm off to find a volleyball tournament team to play in, grocery shopping, and watching some wind surfers outside my window and the cat param-ah curled up next to me on a pillow and some zydeco music playing on itunes. it's saturday and the day awaits... and i get paid on the 10th. there's always that.

The help class,

Everyday the kid walks in. I ask, how are you? He says, angry. I say, aw, Hyuk Joon (huckjune) still angry? Yes. Today instead of doing the assignment, which really is standard practice for him, he was drawing, which is better than picking up the desk above the head which he does also, or wandering around the room and opening the windows or scrawling on ye jins perfect homework much to her ire. Today, he said, angel. I thought it was an improvement because normally he follows that pronouncement up with "dark angel"... and then i say, oh devil, since i don't want to complicate things with "demon" and yes dark angel is also correct but we prefer the direct contrasting of angel/devil to make the point (he's only 8 anyway). So i spelled angel on the board, so at the very least he could be learning something. And then I said, Hyuk Joon angel. He said, no, teacher angel.

Now something like that would be heart warming but he didn't mean it quite like that- maybe he did. It was more a curious matter of fact.Which you know, revelation of spiritual realities and all that. He knows I dwell in the light and whatever is harassing him definitely doesnot. I said, hyuk joon angel. He says again, no, teacher angel. I get where he's going now but just to emphasize how much i disagree, i say hyuk joon angel, ye jin angel, teacher angel. He let it go. But then he also said, mmm, devil, at his drawing. I will have to photo it for you all. So i wrote the word on the board. And then sometime later a monster was surrounding the dark angel/devil. So then I wrote monster on the board. He eventually erased all the 3 words and was adamant i not keep his drawing which i did anyway.

That's all for now.
It's raining. Again. Kronos time is crawling along this week. But it promises to be sunny for the weekend. I still dont' have a phone but i do have sunglasses. 3 1/2 months seemed really long just days ago and now it seems nothing. Whatever time. You're so fickle. I don't even know why i pay attention. 

kik.