Sorry for the MIAness. Mostly May has been mild... or without alliteration- pretty good. Played volleyball the last 3 weekends and that gave me something to look forward to, grounded me a bit and the weather has been good. Plus birthday amusements and awesome packages. And this weekend is buddhas birthday weekend so we have monday off. Gives me a chance to be at home - puttering around a studio apt takes less time but principally the same tasks apply- plants, dishes, sweeping, laundry, food... and watching how the light filters through my apt is something that makes me happy... so after that-
I just got back from hanging out with my co-workers. Which for some reason i had a bit of a reluctance to do- mostly because yes i am anti-social and i didn't want to do anything, and also i just had the idea that they would be speaking korean non-stop and i would be staring into space a lot.
It happened like this- they didn't really note my birthday. They sort of blip by and you're lucky if someone takes notice. The office isn't really uh- community oriented in terms of being recognized as a teacher or a group? It's not the k-teachers fault. There's just no one to do it. Granted I am guilty of that to some degree... And i told Y that my birthday had been sunday and she said, aw we have to celebrate it and seemed genuinely bummed she didn't know. Which was nice. I forgot about it. Also my dream of co-worker outings with the new foreign teacher M came immediately to an end because of what i'll call the 'shunning'.
Since I had a definite feeling they wouldn't want to go to the neorebang and bbq with her like they did with J and I... and that's only because I had come now that i reflect on it. Since J never went out with them before I got there. That sounds horrible but anyway- I broached it once and was met with a pointed silence of busy-ness. I was reminded what J said to me before she left, K, they LIKE YOU. To preface the k teachers share their meals. They have a dish of rice they keep in front of them and offer their main and side dishes to everyone at the table. I took it for granted that they ate whatever I offered. Even if it was just a polite bite, usually it's more, and i also had the right to ask them to help finish whatever i had so i wouldn't take home leftovers. Not just because i'm older or the same age but because- why not. And then J said to me, it took me months before they would even touch what I brought. I stopped short. The korean phrase to use in most situations is REALLY?! (for real? getout! but said more like RI-LLY?! [Chin-cha!]). And then I noticed that they wouldn't even look in the direction of the food that M brought and that's with M's 'try this' and 'this is such and such'. Even after Y, who felt bad, was like, no you guys, really it's good. PAINFUL.
And I got that horrible, aw come on guys, feeling. Chin-cha!? Come on. I don't know what I did to deserve inclusion except that I'm super, i don't know- neutral? or calm. It doesn't do well to be a western extrovert around a bunch of introverted Koreans. That's for sure. At it's core- that, include me- I'm trying too hard- Or rather all of my quirks and personalityness is brimming right there at the surface for you to see, and at least these k-teachers are much more quiet on the surface, and won't even let you touch what they think or feel about anything let alone talk about it with you in english- and i can say even from my calm but deepwatered self, i found it super abrasive at first. Grating and annoying. I'm going to hold out hope she wins them overeventually. Because she really does rock as a person. Because she is trying. She embraces language. She makes an effort. She is bold and adventurous, a good cook and a snappy dresser.
But in the meantime, K said to me, 'what are you doing saturday'... i said, i don't know. nothing. she said, come to E's house. J will be there. You can say hi. I could hardly refuse. I underplayed it because i noted, within M's hearing that she wasn't invited. And I liked J a lot- she's back from iceland- they decided not to relocate. And I took my negative, taking it all for granted self- as K picked me up near the bank, and drove us over. They were all dressed casually, i had the idea after a bit that they did this sort of thing-- a lot? That it wasn't just a "oh J's back" celebration. But a, no, we hang out. This is our thing. So that after they considered enough to order me something i could eat, and then further surprised me with a gluten free chocolate mouse that had a cookie on it that said, happy birthday karen, and sung me happy birthday. My deep watered self felt like an ass- and also deeply moved. And conflicted, and honored, and pained.
Anyway i dont know exactly what I'm saying. Except that being included is something I didn't expect, or care about? or I don't know-- it's like falling in deeper water when you expected to just skim the surface. It's something I can't quite grasp but it's significant. And i hope that I reach out to return the gesture- or aren't so glib as i usually can be about a lot of things. In general i like my sarcasm- but like the other day i was reminded. .. a guy at VB was saying, something about how nice it was, the communityness, and boistering hope and something- and I said, is this restoring your faith in humanity or something?- and he rather off-handedly said- No. I never lost it. And i can say i'm probably somewhere in between. His sincerity touched me and there was no room for a joke or complaint. It just was. I don't know. Or as the koreans love love love to say 'mol-la-yo'. mol-la. mol-la-yo- i don't-know.
k.g/nite.
I just got back from hanging out with my co-workers. Which for some reason i had a bit of a reluctance to do- mostly because yes i am anti-social and i didn't want to do anything, and also i just had the idea that they would be speaking korean non-stop and i would be staring into space a lot.
It happened like this- they didn't really note my birthday. They sort of blip by and you're lucky if someone takes notice. The office isn't really uh- community oriented in terms of being recognized as a teacher or a group? It's not the k-teachers fault. There's just no one to do it. Granted I am guilty of that to some degree... And i told Y that my birthday had been sunday and she said, aw we have to celebrate it and seemed genuinely bummed she didn't know. Which was nice. I forgot about it. Also my dream of co-worker outings with the new foreign teacher M came immediately to an end because of what i'll call the 'shunning'.
Since I had a definite feeling they wouldn't want to go to the neorebang and bbq with her like they did with J and I... and that's only because I had come now that i reflect on it. Since J never went out with them before I got there. That sounds horrible but anyway- I broached it once and was met with a pointed silence of busy-ness. I was reminded what J said to me before she left, K, they LIKE YOU. To preface the k teachers share their meals. They have a dish of rice they keep in front of them and offer their main and side dishes to everyone at the table. I took it for granted that they ate whatever I offered. Even if it was just a polite bite, usually it's more, and i also had the right to ask them to help finish whatever i had so i wouldn't take home leftovers. Not just because i'm older or the same age but because- why not. And then J said to me, it took me months before they would even touch what I brought. I stopped short. The korean phrase to use in most situations is REALLY?! (for real? getout! but said more like RI-LLY?! [Chin-cha!]). And then I noticed that they wouldn't even look in the direction of the food that M brought and that's with M's 'try this' and 'this is such and such'. Even after Y, who felt bad, was like, no you guys, really it's good. PAINFUL.
And I got that horrible, aw come on guys, feeling. Chin-cha!? Come on. I don't know what I did to deserve inclusion except that I'm super, i don't know- neutral? or calm. It doesn't do well to be a western extrovert around a bunch of introverted Koreans. That's for sure. At it's core- that, include me- I'm trying too hard- Or rather all of my quirks and personalityness is brimming right there at the surface for you to see, and at least these k-teachers are much more quiet on the surface, and won't even let you touch what they think or feel about anything let alone talk about it with you in english- and i can say even from my calm but deepwatered self, i found it super abrasive at first. Grating and annoying. I'm going to hold out hope she wins them overeventually. Because she really does rock as a person. Because she is trying. She embraces language. She makes an effort. She is bold and adventurous, a good cook and a snappy dresser.
But in the meantime, K said to me, 'what are you doing saturday'... i said, i don't know. nothing. she said, come to E's house. J will be there. You can say hi. I could hardly refuse. I underplayed it because i noted, within M's hearing that she wasn't invited. And I liked J a lot- she's back from iceland- they decided not to relocate. And I took my negative, taking it all for granted self- as K picked me up near the bank, and drove us over. They were all dressed casually, i had the idea after a bit that they did this sort of thing-- a lot? That it wasn't just a "oh J's back" celebration. But a, no, we hang out. This is our thing. So that after they considered enough to order me something i could eat, and then further surprised me with a gluten free chocolate mouse that had a cookie on it that said, happy birthday karen, and sung me happy birthday. My deep watered self felt like an ass- and also deeply moved. And conflicted, and honored, and pained.
Anyway i dont know exactly what I'm saying. Except that being included is something I didn't expect, or care about? or I don't know-- it's like falling in deeper water when you expected to just skim the surface. It's something I can't quite grasp but it's significant. And i hope that I reach out to return the gesture- or aren't so glib as i usually can be about a lot of things. In general i like my sarcasm- but like the other day i was reminded. .. a guy at VB was saying, something about how nice it was, the communityness, and boistering hope and something- and I said, is this restoring your faith in humanity or something?- and he rather off-handedly said- No. I never lost it. And i can say i'm probably somewhere in between. His sincerity touched me and there was no room for a joke or complaint. It just was. I don't know. Or as the koreans love love love to say 'mol-la-yo'. mol-la. mol-la-yo- i don't-know.
k.g/nite.
