Raining Here and Now,

My anxiety has slacked to a light intermittent wind. On Sunday I talked to my body about its pilgramage on earth. I said, wake up, wake up body. You're clouding my eyes to the adventure I hold myself to be on. Body, I say, this isn't ordinary. There is no before or after, but only now. Body, this is what you came for didn't you know? You wanted weather. You wanted the black sand and volcanic rock. You wanted less. You wanted solitude. Body wake up. Wake up from the garden and the stark blue sky of California. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Can you feel the difference? Not better, not worse but new. Take it in. You are not at home anymore.
O'Ecclesia, to this i have come. This shore of Christ's people lapping at my feet. Wake up. Wake up. The children at your door. The sea at your ear. Wake up. Wake up, to the God that is able. Awake senses, as He shows us the way. He will keep us. He will guide us. Do you hear? Stop straining. Come into the present. Stop longing for what was commanded you relinquish. Body rejoice in the labor the Lord has given you.  Here you are. He gives- the walks you take, the food you eat, the water you drink, the wide ocean, the noise and clatter, the sound of korean, the coffee and bread of life, see how the Lord has established you here... and that cat too maybe. For now. None of this is routine. Don't let your need to be comfortable blind you to the extraordinary that you find yourself in.

So after that I went out with a group of 20 somethings. I play young but that 12 year gap yawned in my mind- not in a bad way for the most part, just curiously. So much of me feels young and wide eyed. It was an interesting reversal. I can only hope my brain will continue to take in the information, and to be at the end or rather beginning of a trajectory is also something- to have no sure plan after 1 year, then what... lunch, more coffee, groceries, fish and chips... and then what... hmm, perhaps we should start a pool for what happens next... but then it's only been a month.

Today I found my mind longing for the future of being better, more equipped, more expert, and trying to pull me down. It's ridiculously tricky to negotiate all aspects of the self right now. I don't have one thing like joblessness looming over me to be the bench mark of success or failure if such things exist. I know that my skin is breaking out for some reason, and the skin disease the cat has from malnurishment requires baths 2x a week... with 10minutes of conditioning... are you kidding me? And that I need more games, and yes the young kids need discipline, and I wish I could express the nuance of Jun Hoon and Jin Hyun, but it frequently alludes me, and those kids they just say, Teacher, Games and that one kid today just kept shooting me with machine guns and bombing me with mortars. I said, no kill teacher. But he continued. Next time i will erect an invisible shield but in the mean time...

I was dreading a one on one teaching session but she was delightful. And then realized also I have no idea how to grade papers, but then also the walk in the rain that had my feet wet, had me smiling with the latte in my hand, and a brisk but measured step off the bus... it all awaits me. And the word of now is, Provision, and it wraps around me in stewardship.

the good.
k-

Not taking it on,

I've got some anxiety living in my chest since monday. I can feel it when i'm not teaching, when i get up, go to work, leave work, sitting at home. It seems inherently disconnected from my mental state which is just treading water and getting it done. It makes me wonder where it's coming from. I think knock it off body or, God reveal to me what I'm holding onto. Since I read somewhere it all stems from trying to take what's not mine, what i can't control. What body, are you not letting go of? Deep breathing. Poor body. I don't know how i could've prepared you for the shit shift. Possibly more apropos. My body is calling for home. It longs to be in the garden, among my own cats, among my own people, among the early budding spring and spiking gas prices. It says, why am I here... and whines. It wants-Vibrating at a lower frequency. Moving less. Working a day behind and not following a watch, days, hours. It's freaked out. It's cold. It's frequently grey. The wind is loud. The sounds are different...the sky is not stark blue. Lolly isn't here. Yes, body, it's different, it's the other. You are close to the sea and the earth is not sand but porous rock. For lent though I want to not invite anxiety to live in me. As J says though I must shed light on it and not bury it in order to let it go. But it's hard when my body and mind aren't in sync. Hard to articulate. Hard to sympathize.

Same with my emotional state. Taking it hard when a student falls asleep in class. Despairing easily when same student refuses to work and continues to draw a n/ke logo on his slate instead of the word "climb" and your pleading with him patiently and silently, but there are no words in between, even ones he can't understand i'm not compelled to say. And knowing it's not the student. It's not me. It's a host of things as we misstep each other. He threw away his trash though so i knew there was a measure of respect left, but still. My emotions say fail as i sit in his willful noncompliance. Or when i've suddenly realized I spent 1/2 hour on one thing, or realize that the one thing i wanted to take 20minutes only took 5. How to pull it in, how to drag it out- it all comes with that word experience that makes teaching an art. I get it. It's not helpful though for my emotions to hear- the first year is rough, or you'll learn or... blah blah something, because all it feels is the gaping lack and the miss and the offness of it all. The sad fact that my tongue is tied and my understanding can only translate through my eyes and actions also. Which helps i know. I can see that with my youngest students because though they act like hellions they smile when they see me. And i know the most important thing is translating correctly. My introverted nature now pulled and absorbing all the latent energy. Trying through eyes and sympathetic gestures to win over the hostile, to temper the mean, to tame the energetic, to focus the roaming... it's alot. I know it's a success if when it's over they know i loved and was kind, and to try and loosely rein them in until i learn their names.

So this is what it is. It's just a lot. I know. And i need more quiet spaces of surrender and stillness in the meantime. And know that as LL quoted to me, God is a calm sea of mercy. I looked out at the water, and at that moment it was and echoed knowing into my heart and to my mind also. Here's to unity and wholeness in my whole self- that God would speak to the parts that need to align under His mighty hand. And that I would find joy and light as I go through this new wilderness- with a spirit of adventure, as each day there is something to know, to find, to be discovered... to record and write down for myself that is not just routine or a job or a country... you get the idea.

***
And in laying upon us the light cross of ashes, the Church desires to take off our shoulders all other heavy burdens—the crushing load of worry and guilt, the dead weight of our own self-love. We should not take upon ourselves a "burden" of penance and stagger into Lent as if we were Atlas, carrying the whole world on his shoulders...This is not the God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who Himself "hides" our sins and gets them out of sight...The God of Ash Wednesday is like a calm sea of mercy, and in Him there is no anger. -Thomas Merton

The Cat,

While the tailess brindle colored girl is mine, it does freak me out a bit to have her. I did imagine that I'd adopt a straycat, which is crazy enough that it's come true, but where i'd feed it by the door and pet it and it would go on its way. Not the howling visitation that came in Compline last night.

I forget now what I was watching, maybe reading Dickens, Curiousity Shop online and heard the distant mews, until they came closer into plantive cries, turned incessant cries, turned freaked the eff out cries. I opened the window and saw the cat skitter near a tree on the sidewalk toward a smaller inner courtyard and look directly at me, as if it was drowning in the water and i was a far away ship. I could see the wheels turning of how exactly the cat wanted to navigate uptoward my 2nd story window. I thought for a minute, crap, crap, crap. It was so cold I could tell. -5?/20 with the windchill. Why was the cat in such distress? Maybe it'd had enough of the cold or hadn't been outside for that long? Or had gotten locked out of a house somehow? I don't know. But I went down as i saw it cowering against the wind in very uncat like fashion. It seemed like it was being chased or tormented somehow. I'm not sure. But that was the spirit of it. So i shluffed on my winter coat and the cat only hesitated about 1 second before letting me scoop it up as it slightly trembled and looked at me-

Once I got the kitten warmed up I was overwhelmed with that weird emotional thing I sometimes have in regards to animals suffering or being in the world. It kills me. It hurts my heart. It brings tears to my eyes. The other day I imagined a magpie dying i the bushes on the ground, on the way to work and was being nudged by his partner and I felt so sad I started to cry. . . Or even when I think of God taking care of the animals, it's all too much. For someone not in peta and that eats meat and isnt an activist i have a strong stewards streak that borders on painful when i think of caring for them. I picked the burrs out of her coat. Tried to get whatever oily dirt was on her neck and checked her ears and teeth. She seemed besides being really thirsty and hungry in ok shape. She couldn't have been a stray for long. I fed her an egg and then got up after a restless night of cat crawling on me and snuggling next to me and purring constantly, went downstairs and got some tuna to feed her. She's still pretty hungry but still. Then I continued to contemplate what to do. I thought for a moment she wanted to go out. She followed me down the stairs and then she struggled a bit as i picked her up and walked her toward the clear glass door of my apt. I opened it and we stood there- and then she just started to growl. Growl at whatever was out there. I'm not sure. It was the most curious and definitive sign. I sighed and we went backupstairs.

Then i went to try church out and she gave me a sad nervous look. Oddly enough I found, it's one of the only English services on the island? It's about 10min. from my house and one of my coteachers goes to the korean services there And i ran into two students who recognized me from the school. What are the chances eh? I ask. The girl said, she was happy and I asked her where the english services were, she pointed and i hope was glad to be of help, because I could tell she was sad she couldn't communicate more. In the service I was overwhelmed with God's love and the impracticality of foreign cat ownership. And felt so burdened by what I'm sure is a gift? I was teary and distraught all through the story up until the guy talked about getting a gift out of nowhere and he started to cry and then i started to cry. It was too much. I finally I think after a contemplative starbucks journey and a short nap on the way home, decided that she is mine while i have her. For however long that is. But to me the pressure is crushing- i think of vets, spaying, i think of communicating, taxis, and paying, and cat carriers and food and entertaining an apt cat, and far in the future of leaving, and my head explodes.

I think the thought of me being a transition for the kitten makes it seem a bit easier. Take steps to find owner. Pass out flyers. Ask at work for help with said flyer. Then after that consider vet visit. Start asking forum and other expats if they want to adopt a cat and go from there. She's currently snuggled under the blanket at my feet. She thinks this is her place and wonders why i haven't fed her yet. Living in the moment can be brutal.

Anyway the sermon was all about being an ambassador, not just a tourist. Good points on focusing how i feel about school and besides a slightly offkilter vibe from one of the main pastors it all seemed to be just what i need. Small, relaxed, and familiar- song/song/sermon/song/song... the apostles creed surprisingly and then unfortunately people noticing that i'm new right away even though i didn't raise my hand and start talking to me. I did want to be invited to lunch for some weird reason but that didn't happen. I was honest about how things have been going- stressful at school, adopted a straycat last night, no i don't want to get a car, yes i am from hollywood, etc etc. It'll be interesting to see what develops as I keep going.

Blah i'm blathering- tonight i'm going over to the lighthouse. Get some food and some coffee maybe. And then come on home to watch my shows.

much love.

(oh and ps. mom you know the smell thing- this place doesn't smell to me. it doesn't even smell like the sea to me. strangely enough after i'd cooked onions in the a.m. and then went to work and put the same shirt back on i could still smell the deliciousness, but this place no smell- so far quiet, can't quite see the stars, the wind- loud. the traffic intermittent, the people sporadic, the camillias starting to bloom, the onions and the lettuce growing in the lava rocked lined akimbo fields... what else. what else.)

My First Class,

On the days when Sg thinks I'll one day make a capable and experienced teacher, the one who says I was born to teach, thinks that this class will be a special class for me. Right now though it's a little intimidating. Oh and then she forgets that I'm new and wonders since she's told me once why i don't understand the concept of phonics 20min and blah blah something the other 40min or that she says, oh songs take a lot of prep work but don't fill up the classtime with X, or try to have them glue in their homework themselves- but don't take a lot of time to do it (except they're young and some are a little OCD about how much to cover the page in glue... Do it all fast... do your lesson plans in 2 hours, but to save time do x in class... it's conflicting. I get that she's overwhelmed and superbusy, but sometimes it's hard to figure out which advice to take. I mean- I've learned their names, but am probably butchering them, or likewise they're getting used to foreign teacher accent, and i count it a great victory when i say one of them correctly and their heads whip around in understanding. Right now it's a lot of high 5! and thumbs up! Good! And make eye-contactness. They're forever fumbling things, dropping things and as they get more comfortable trying to get a way with things like sneaking gum?or was it candy? or? Is that writing on the desk!? NO! and make big- X with hands and shake head from side to side, and one or two of them just being off-task or defiantly ignoring me, even though they very well know what the penetrating stare and raised eyebrows mean. One day i'll work up to listing all their initials and doing the step 1, 2, 3 and out you go,ness, call the parentness. But for now I just scoop up their origami or their cards and keep them until after class, or in general give them disapproving looks. Its a tricky balance between trying new things and wielding an unwieldy control.

10 were in my class today and it seemed so much more manageable then 12- mostly because the one who's standing on chairs and forever restless was absent, as was the one who is always shouting at me in korean or shouting the answers, lots of shouting in general in her puffy pink neon coat...she reminds me of what samsoon would be like as a kid. The boy who kept crying didn't make it a week and was replaced by a cute and quiet but equally sneaky and unfocused girl who doesn't do her homework. I gave her a shrug, sadface and tears dripping down my face to which she just as sweetly smiled and shrugged her shoulders. I do my best to understand them when they ask for water or the bathroom, and yes, now you must go one at a time you little shysters, though conversely i get that sometimes kids just need mental breaks from things- so i don't challenge them on it until Sg says this a.m. they're taking too many breaks. Class is for studying yes? What am i going to do? Figure out which kid is lying to me in korean? No way. I peed my pants one time in 1st grade because a teacher ignored me and i was paralyzed with the should i run out of the class or obey teacher and wait? I had a box of kleenex that helped a bit, i remember vividly, but that's it. As i said, no way. Unless they ask more than once, I'm sorry- they get to go. I'll give them a keen look in the eye but then out they go, hurry, fast. Go. It's a trust exercise. Also I try my best to figure out what they're saying and what they want- here?they ask? in korean? this? and i look and say, yes, or no, or thumbs up, and good!

Besides that the day starts with homework checks, collecting notebooks, handing out new homework- the dreaded glue in the bookness, then a song maybe, and class commands and objects, perhaps review from a-z of the animals, or a-z the A ah! Apple! which a few dickens know so well that the other kids don't have to try, so then i have to take the cards around and ask them quietly one by one, then maybe listen and write A, B, C exercise,introduce new letter, and then some drawing and color time, quiet time... peaceful focusedtime. Then bell rings, classover! phew. NExT class! GO.

questions, comments?

Fighting the Good Fight,

Since I wanted to hold on to the higher, less anxious thoughts of my weekend, I was pretty serious about petitioning the Lord. I went to sleep on Sunday resolutely decided I would fast until dinner at 5. I had a few bites of apple and a few almonds but that's about it. I listened to a worship service in the a.m., i sang songs, i prayed almost all the way to work. I prayed at my desk to break whatever it was that was hovering at me. And it worked- not like it was a recipe or anything- maybe a prescription, map, life line? That God sustains me and no other, not food, not work. So that when I saw the dreaded white slip- we have these communications that Sg tapes to our desks, which so far for me, have brought nothing but peril and overwork- i didn't even blink. I might've said, fuck, but still. As one of the kteachers was out with the flu and i was taking four of her classes, it was the first time she'd ever called out sick in 4 years, so... They were angels really. All so polite and attentive. It was amazing. Until the last class which did nothing but laugh boyishly with mirth, and tickled pink kind of attitudes talking in korean, that I just let them not do the work, barely pay attention to the lesson and count down with hangman for the last 15minutes, with sort of guuuyyys be quiet... omg you guys are sooo baaaaddd. I was thinking how am i going to assert my authority over these guys? Forget it. Sg overheard i lost control in the first 2ominutes and that seemed to upset her, and her overly critical and judgmental side whipped out at me, with arched eyebrows, intent eyes, and the repeated "you lost control in 20minutes?!" but she pulled back before i got completley seared. I tried not to let it throw me, and i'm trying- still- to not shut down with her completely- because no, she does not feel safe. No. She would be what we call unsafe. Tread lightly. Caution. She's actually sort of my worst scenario boss. I thought, most of my friends thought it would be the patriarchal oldguy who wants it done his way but no. I was ready for that. I want to like her, get to know her, but then wham, wham, wham. I could use with a little bureaucracy to stand between me and the bosses but as it is, it's just too small. Also today? present perfect? What is that! The other day they were doing something with commas and my head nearly exploded. I was like, woh you guys, what are you learning!? This is crazy! Anyway back to my kdrama about the creation of the korean alphabet- totally epic. Next time will have to tell you about a typical class of 7 year olds.

Mood Stablizer,

Am i even spelling that right? So things not to do first week on the job? Catch the death flu. Spend following week miserable and contemplate quitting and saying things like, My God what have I done? The picture below was what my heart looked like. There was a storm in my head also and my soul was getting frostbite. It was bad. There was no warm place, no central heating at work and my heated floors were cold.

It moves you to do irrational things like have fake lays potato chips, lattes out of a convinience store machine and snicker bars for dinner. Never in my life really. It's another first. It all tasted like watery ash in my mouth.

another poor choice- it was way too spicey.

 i mean it was fun to have snow build up onto my scarves and seer my eyes with cold but still...

But by this last Saturday I'm feeling better despite the mortifying reality of completely going MIA on my last class. Finally get to bond with J my flatmate (aka upstairs neighbor/fellow teacher). We head to Shin, a foreigner hub and apparently the location of a posh and vast starbucks, which once i saw it i pressed my hands to the glass and stared longingly until we found our way back there after the bus passed by it, oh also, a burger king and quiznos. Oh and a mega-e-mart. Sort of like our targets. That's where i accidentally bought $17 of beef. I was overloaded, overstimulated and of course completely forgetting i only had $60 on my creditcard. The 17,000 didn't mean anything. I dont know if i even saw it. I didnt even see it until i was staring at the -allinkorean- receipt and was asking myself WHAT was $17!!! I couldnt even remember until i saw the package as i was putting all my stuff away. J saved the day because my bill was double that and my card was no bueno- but i was still thinking- wait, brain? please i want you back. I don't know why were fighting but please come back. Let's talk it out. I'm sure we can compromise. I mean i gave it sbux before we even went. J treated to lunch and to coffee! and to dinner the next day. I felt so taken care of. It was bliss. Focus brain. Focus. Do i resent having to buy a broom, small dustbin and laundry detergent, yes. But i'll get over it. The $10 cab ride home was worth it. Don't hold it against me. And J and myself had some pretty fabulous talks, isn't winter over yet? Hasn't the ice melts begun?.

The next day J was up for a small hike up the oreum (aka hill where lava once was but is now covered in trees and on this particular one a couple temples, a fantastic view, and on the backside i will reluctantly tell you, a dogfarm. i asked j- she's like come on you know. don't make me say it. i know i don't know what to say. it is what it is? i hate that phrase. i dont' know. it did marr the vibe. i said, in heaven we'll talk this all out but for now...) It was a good hike though. Didn't completely do me in but was lacking that wilderness i needed. I really wanted to come up here too- the first day. I'll go again, but it left me wanting. We haven't gone to the top so i'll give that a chance before i go back to my sea and flatland loving way. Maybe i expected too much. We can leave the glory for the volcano and not it's children. It just lacked the totality of peace but the temple sites did have that quiet wind swishing through the trees goodness i love. We made our way back down and ran into some brits that J knows, and are the only people so far who care that i'm from hollywood. The k kids just stare at me like- what? where? who cares? Not canada? No? ok. 12 hours on a plane!? Horror.

After some more fantastic and soul thawing conversation, syncing up our thoughts over work (same/same- confirmed, expounded on and them some) and the spiritual messanger service that seems to be beating on Sg's door though she won't answer, we ate pad thai, fries and chicken cutlets, with some post dinner coffee, a view of the ocean and christian music playing over the speaker system. Another beautiful day. But still that anxious chest feeling of what will come on monday never left. But we can't have everything. We'll call it good, even if not even.

So that happened,

I'm pausing my korean drama to tell you what happened to me today. It's been super stressful at work, to the point of tearing up in the bathroom over a place i just really don't want to be. And wondering what could've gone so wrong. But today was a pretty good day. I did some light if not completely competent lesson planning. None of the kids were completely atrocious, but I felt like any sub would i suppose and didn't want to crack down too hard, not that it's easy to do either when you don't know their names. Like hey you in the back stop goofing around? And they turn on that I speak Korean and you don't face. I sort of think, though I know the other teachers are harder- but that if you don't care, can i make you? Are you interfering with other students? No? Ok. Fine. I'm sure there's a line but not on the 2nd day of a class I'm subbing on. Anyway, I fatally walk upstairs from my classroom, with that phew, made it through the day! Wow! I can't believe it sort of feeling. And as i'm putting attendence cards away, one of the k teachers says that a girl was talking in the hallway that she got away with reading a comicbook in class- yes, sure "i didn't notice"/care and was freaked out as i tried to move through an hour lesson plan on wednesday- but whatever, and let same girl do whatever the hell she was doing behind her folder because i didn't care just an hour before... Is it bad that I shrugged my shoulders and was thinking to myself- that's the least of my problems?!

So another k teacher was leaving. She says, are you leaving. I say yah. I hand Sg back her folder. There's some light banter. I tidy up and head out the door. Success. Feeling good. It's a 10min walk down the hill at least to the bus. I get it miraculously- right as it's pulling up. I have a second hesitation, like, hmm i must have forgotten something. What was it. I get on the bus, counting on my fingers and the realization flushes my cheeks and floods on me like i might passout or vomit or something. Yes, forgot to teach my last class. The 735 class. I mean I must have been in the elevator when the bell sounded. I still can't believe how it was possible that I got out of there and all the way down the hill without realizing. Did i really leave so fast? Luckily it's only a few minutes busride but by the time i run the short block to my apt and up 3flights to the other teachers house because she has a phone, my heart is pounding, and it's already 25minutes in to the class- aka pointless for me to turn around and come back. Sg is oddly ok, or supressing some sort of rage? about it? Or genuinely doesn't want to yell at me so that I won't quit. I'm not sure? But luckily another teacher happened to have downtime so he stepped in, like the consumate professional he is. And she said, it can't happen again, and quickly changed beats and said, it won't happen again. Have a good weekend. Don't worry about it. It worked out... mmhmm. Yes. But still. How embarrassing. I wish there had been another better reason than a shoulder shrug- and a mentally they didn't exist to me in that moment...  I don't even know. All I can say is, that's a new one.

Meanwhile what was the point brain? to let me down on that small matter? I ask you, why. Which leads to the inevitable- why God? I mean yes, i had secretly resented that R had asked to take the class twice and Sg refused his help and dumped them onto me for learnings sake or whatever but i don't think my brain or body should be acting independently of the other on this - is all i'm saying. I mean seriously, what the hell. Anyway my head is swimming and i need to lie down. This has all been a bit ridiculous- i mean i understand brain, i get it- you can't adjust to a new physical reality/time zone/ et al. and have a seriously stressful work environ. Things are bound to give. Is that what you're telling me?

Still. File under: Mortified.