Well, all right-

Dust was actually gathering on my camera. Sad.

There's no follow up statement really. It sort of just says it. Maybe i need an assignment. It helps the weather is turning warmer. And that i'll gradually be less consumed with trying to feed myself, find a bank (StILL) and postcards... But nevermind.

Updates- I still have the cat, which i call my ward. I think the korean is neku? It doesn't really roll off the tongue, so I may settle for the korean word for wind which is param (padam- or swallow the r while rolling it a bit and say it really fast) which they said was masculine but well... what to do. Han-ee isn't cutting it, whatever it means. Maybe neku param. One of the teachers without any prompting is calling vets for me and figuring out what i need to do to bring the cat back to the US with me. . . hummmm. I'll leave it at that. Poor cat. All i see is $$$. But i overwhelmingly feel God gave me the cat to take care of- for how long? I don't know. At least I don't have much anxiety about her at the moment. Except for this whole last week when i was pretty sure she was in heat... ach. So,

The classes- they go up and down and in and out like the tides. My problem is severing the emotional tie to said performance. My artistic nerosis is at full peak in these situations. And though today I became completely nervous when the head teacher decided she had time to sit and observe my class, I actually was able to fill the time. She was encouraging though I'm sure her inner perfectionist, i felt, was screaming through her skin. She said, she liked my energy, and said the phrase, you're a great teacher... i read that to mean hypothetically, if not exactly definitively- and then she helped with one lesson I completely didn't know how to communicate, (aka i printed it out, looked at it and thought i'm sure they'll get IT = fail) and said, she would help me with the school objectives... which frankly = what i've been waiting for. It's akin to saying, here let me help you to swim and not just to keep your head above water. And I think she also saw the full demand that 11 students age 5 put on one person in a small space, who are already at rapidly different levels, and with varying moods to ancy, angry, bored, interested, or disheartened- i mean it's not like she doesn't know- but maybe reminded is better? Otherwise the class that i dreaded like i've begun to dread the little ones has turned around in that they know i'm not out to get them or torture them and i had them laughing with my drawing on the board at end... and on the bus ride home thought, hmm i need to bring snacks or something, or what kind of games can we do that help with language and spelling and are rolickingly good fun... tall orders really. Mayhaps pictionary if i remember. And also the kid who was shooting me with a machine gun the other day, started to do it again and i went, whoosh, invisible shield, pingpingping, which got the 2 boys laughing. I know you wanted to know. I mean, no kill teacher, am i right? The only other incident which i'm going to try to relate more regularly as i get my balance- is this one girl is obsessed with my largesse. As we were talking about food just today, she said, as if remarking on some important fact, teacher heavy. I said, yes, teacher heavy. And i laughed. Of course when she tries to poke my stomach i bear hug her and dangle her in the air... as with the wee kiddos who try to lift my shirt up or touch my large earrings, or gasp when i take off my sweater to reveal my (gasp) bare arms. I had to put the sweater back on, it was that distracting.

So besides all that, and teacher, hair long! Y. and teacher, how tall! 175 how many kilos! X to teacher GAME! I am beset every morning by a scorching anxiety. My flatmate J insists that this condition needs to be embraced and not done away with- that our perpetual condition in life should not consist of a linear road on a straight trajectory and that to feel that way is not good or bad but something to be handled and processed. Yes, yes... ok. Lift it up, open it up, talk to it, but who wants it there really, as i've said before. It kills the 4 hours or so i have before classes. up to the stressful 2.5 hours i have lesson planning to the mind numbing and pressured place of teaching where really time does fly and i'm released. And though i've been here about 7wks now entering on 8. I've only been teaching full time for about a month. So whatevs right? And i've had a unprecedented 4 caffe lattes this week on the way home- probably not helping. But anyway, back to downloading, and tell me what you want more updates on-- it's too early for this to already be routine and boring for me. May God grant me the ability to see.

k.

Not taking it on,

I've got some anxiety living in my chest since monday. I can feel it when i'm not teaching, when i get up, go to work, leave work, sitting at home. It seems inherently disconnected from my mental state which is just treading water and getting it done. It makes me wonder where it's coming from. I think knock it off body or, God reveal to me what I'm holding onto. Since I read somewhere it all stems from trying to take what's not mine, what i can't control. What body, are you not letting go of? Deep breathing. Poor body. I don't know how i could've prepared you for the shit shift. Possibly more apropos. My body is calling for home. It longs to be in the garden, among my own cats, among my own people, among the early budding spring and spiking gas prices. It says, why am I here... and whines. It wants-Vibrating at a lower frequency. Moving less. Working a day behind and not following a watch, days, hours. It's freaked out. It's cold. It's frequently grey. The wind is loud. The sounds are different...the sky is not stark blue. Lolly isn't here. Yes, body, it's different, it's the other. You are close to the sea and the earth is not sand but porous rock. For lent though I want to not invite anxiety to live in me. As J says though I must shed light on it and not bury it in order to let it go. But it's hard when my body and mind aren't in sync. Hard to articulate. Hard to sympathize.

Same with my emotional state. Taking it hard when a student falls asleep in class. Despairing easily when same student refuses to work and continues to draw a n/ke logo on his slate instead of the word "climb" and your pleading with him patiently and silently, but there are no words in between, even ones he can't understand i'm not compelled to say. And knowing it's not the student. It's not me. It's a host of things as we misstep each other. He threw away his trash though so i knew there was a measure of respect left, but still. My emotions say fail as i sit in his willful noncompliance. Or when i've suddenly realized I spent 1/2 hour on one thing, or realize that the one thing i wanted to take 20minutes only took 5. How to pull it in, how to drag it out- it all comes with that word experience that makes teaching an art. I get it. It's not helpful though for my emotions to hear- the first year is rough, or you'll learn or... blah blah something, because all it feels is the gaping lack and the miss and the offness of it all. The sad fact that my tongue is tied and my understanding can only translate through my eyes and actions also. Which helps i know. I can see that with my youngest students because though they act like hellions they smile when they see me. And i know the most important thing is translating correctly. My introverted nature now pulled and absorbing all the latent energy. Trying through eyes and sympathetic gestures to win over the hostile, to temper the mean, to tame the energetic, to focus the roaming... it's alot. I know it's a success if when it's over they know i loved and was kind, and to try and loosely rein them in until i learn their names.

So this is what it is. It's just a lot. I know. And i need more quiet spaces of surrender and stillness in the meantime. And know that as LL quoted to me, God is a calm sea of mercy. I looked out at the water, and at that moment it was and echoed knowing into my heart and to my mind also. Here's to unity and wholeness in my whole self- that God would speak to the parts that need to align under His mighty hand. And that I would find joy and light as I go through this new wilderness- with a spirit of adventure, as each day there is something to know, to find, to be discovered... to record and write down for myself that is not just routine or a job or a country... you get the idea.

***
And in laying upon us the light cross of ashes, the Church desires to take off our shoulders all other heavy burdens—the crushing load of worry and guilt, the dead weight of our own self-love. We should not take upon ourselves a "burden" of penance and stagger into Lent as if we were Atlas, carrying the whole world on his shoulders...This is not the God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who Himself "hides" our sins and gets them out of sight...The God of Ash Wednesday is like a calm sea of mercy, and in Him there is no anger. -Thomas Merton

So that happened,

I'm pausing my korean drama to tell you what happened to me today. It's been super stressful at work, to the point of tearing up in the bathroom over a place i just really don't want to be. And wondering what could've gone so wrong. But today was a pretty good day. I did some light if not completely competent lesson planning. None of the kids were completely atrocious, but I felt like any sub would i suppose and didn't want to crack down too hard, not that it's easy to do either when you don't know their names. Like hey you in the back stop goofing around? And they turn on that I speak Korean and you don't face. I sort of think, though I know the other teachers are harder- but that if you don't care, can i make you? Are you interfering with other students? No? Ok. Fine. I'm sure there's a line but not on the 2nd day of a class I'm subbing on. Anyway, I fatally walk upstairs from my classroom, with that phew, made it through the day! Wow! I can't believe it sort of feeling. And as i'm putting attendence cards away, one of the k teachers says that a girl was talking in the hallway that she got away with reading a comicbook in class- yes, sure "i didn't notice"/care and was freaked out as i tried to move through an hour lesson plan on wednesday- but whatever, and let same girl do whatever the hell she was doing behind her folder because i didn't care just an hour before... Is it bad that I shrugged my shoulders and was thinking to myself- that's the least of my problems?!

So another k teacher was leaving. She says, are you leaving. I say yah. I hand Sg back her folder. There's some light banter. I tidy up and head out the door. Success. Feeling good. It's a 10min walk down the hill at least to the bus. I get it miraculously- right as it's pulling up. I have a second hesitation, like, hmm i must have forgotten something. What was it. I get on the bus, counting on my fingers and the realization flushes my cheeks and floods on me like i might passout or vomit or something. Yes, forgot to teach my last class. The 735 class. I mean I must have been in the elevator when the bell sounded. I still can't believe how it was possible that I got out of there and all the way down the hill without realizing. Did i really leave so fast? Luckily it's only a few minutes busride but by the time i run the short block to my apt and up 3flights to the other teachers house because she has a phone, my heart is pounding, and it's already 25minutes in to the class- aka pointless for me to turn around and come back. Sg is oddly ok, or supressing some sort of rage? about it? Or genuinely doesn't want to yell at me so that I won't quit. I'm not sure? But luckily another teacher happened to have downtime so he stepped in, like the consumate professional he is. And she said, it can't happen again, and quickly changed beats and said, it won't happen again. Have a good weekend. Don't worry about it. It worked out... mmhmm. Yes. But still. How embarrassing. I wish there had been another better reason than a shoulder shrug- and a mentally they didn't exist to me in that moment...  I don't even know. All I can say is, that's a new one.

Meanwhile what was the point brain? to let me down on that small matter? I ask you, why. Which leads to the inevitable- why God? I mean yes, i had secretly resented that R had asked to take the class twice and Sg refused his help and dumped them onto me for learnings sake or whatever but i don't think my brain or body should be acting independently of the other on this - is all i'm saying. I mean seriously, what the hell. Anyway my head is swimming and i need to lie down. This has all been a bit ridiculous- i mean i understand brain, i get it- you can't adjust to a new physical reality/time zone/ et al. and have a seriously stressful work environ. Things are bound to give. Is that what you're telling me?

Still. File under: Mortified.