Raining Here and Now,

My anxiety has slacked to a light intermittent wind. On Sunday I talked to my body about its pilgramage on earth. I said, wake up, wake up body. You're clouding my eyes to the adventure I hold myself to be on. Body, I say, this isn't ordinary. There is no before or after, but only now. Body, this is what you came for didn't you know? You wanted weather. You wanted the black sand and volcanic rock. You wanted less. You wanted solitude. Body wake up. Wake up from the garden and the stark blue sky of California. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Can you feel the difference? Not better, not worse but new. Take it in. You are not at home anymore.
O'Ecclesia, to this i have come. This shore of Christ's people lapping at my feet. Wake up. Wake up. The children at your door. The sea at your ear. Wake up. Wake up, to the God that is able. Awake senses, as He shows us the way. He will keep us. He will guide us. Do you hear? Stop straining. Come into the present. Stop longing for what was commanded you relinquish. Body rejoice in the labor the Lord has given you.  Here you are. He gives- the walks you take, the food you eat, the water you drink, the wide ocean, the noise and clatter, the sound of korean, the coffee and bread of life, see how the Lord has established you here... and that cat too maybe. For now. None of this is routine. Don't let your need to be comfortable blind you to the extraordinary that you find yourself in.

So after that I went out with a group of 20 somethings. I play young but that 12 year gap yawned in my mind- not in a bad way for the most part, just curiously. So much of me feels young and wide eyed. It was an interesting reversal. I can only hope my brain will continue to take in the information, and to be at the end or rather beginning of a trajectory is also something- to have no sure plan after 1 year, then what... lunch, more coffee, groceries, fish and chips... and then what... hmm, perhaps we should start a pool for what happens next... but then it's only been a month.

Today I found my mind longing for the future of being better, more equipped, more expert, and trying to pull me down. It's ridiculously tricky to negotiate all aspects of the self right now. I don't have one thing like joblessness looming over me to be the bench mark of success or failure if such things exist. I know that my skin is breaking out for some reason, and the skin disease the cat has from malnurishment requires baths 2x a week... with 10minutes of conditioning... are you kidding me? And that I need more games, and yes the young kids need discipline, and I wish I could express the nuance of Jun Hoon and Jin Hyun, but it frequently alludes me, and those kids they just say, Teacher, Games and that one kid today just kept shooting me with machine guns and bombing me with mortars. I said, no kill teacher. But he continued. Next time i will erect an invisible shield but in the mean time...

I was dreading a one on one teaching session but she was delightful. And then realized also I have no idea how to grade papers, but then also the walk in the rain that had my feet wet, had me smiling with the latte in my hand, and a brisk but measured step off the bus... it all awaits me. And the word of now is, Provision, and it wraps around me in stewardship.

the good.
k-

Not taking it on,

I've got some anxiety living in my chest since monday. I can feel it when i'm not teaching, when i get up, go to work, leave work, sitting at home. It seems inherently disconnected from my mental state which is just treading water and getting it done. It makes me wonder where it's coming from. I think knock it off body or, God reveal to me what I'm holding onto. Since I read somewhere it all stems from trying to take what's not mine, what i can't control. What body, are you not letting go of? Deep breathing. Poor body. I don't know how i could've prepared you for the shit shift. Possibly more apropos. My body is calling for home. It longs to be in the garden, among my own cats, among my own people, among the early budding spring and spiking gas prices. It says, why am I here... and whines. It wants-Vibrating at a lower frequency. Moving less. Working a day behind and not following a watch, days, hours. It's freaked out. It's cold. It's frequently grey. The wind is loud. The sounds are different...the sky is not stark blue. Lolly isn't here. Yes, body, it's different, it's the other. You are close to the sea and the earth is not sand but porous rock. For lent though I want to not invite anxiety to live in me. As J says though I must shed light on it and not bury it in order to let it go. But it's hard when my body and mind aren't in sync. Hard to articulate. Hard to sympathize.

Same with my emotional state. Taking it hard when a student falls asleep in class. Despairing easily when same student refuses to work and continues to draw a n/ke logo on his slate instead of the word "climb" and your pleading with him patiently and silently, but there are no words in between, even ones he can't understand i'm not compelled to say. And knowing it's not the student. It's not me. It's a host of things as we misstep each other. He threw away his trash though so i knew there was a measure of respect left, but still. My emotions say fail as i sit in his willful noncompliance. Or when i've suddenly realized I spent 1/2 hour on one thing, or realize that the one thing i wanted to take 20minutes only took 5. How to pull it in, how to drag it out- it all comes with that word experience that makes teaching an art. I get it. It's not helpful though for my emotions to hear- the first year is rough, or you'll learn or... blah blah something, because all it feels is the gaping lack and the miss and the offness of it all. The sad fact that my tongue is tied and my understanding can only translate through my eyes and actions also. Which helps i know. I can see that with my youngest students because though they act like hellions they smile when they see me. And i know the most important thing is translating correctly. My introverted nature now pulled and absorbing all the latent energy. Trying through eyes and sympathetic gestures to win over the hostile, to temper the mean, to tame the energetic, to focus the roaming... it's alot. I know it's a success if when it's over they know i loved and was kind, and to try and loosely rein them in until i learn their names.

So this is what it is. It's just a lot. I know. And i need more quiet spaces of surrender and stillness in the meantime. And know that as LL quoted to me, God is a calm sea of mercy. I looked out at the water, and at that moment it was and echoed knowing into my heart and to my mind also. Here's to unity and wholeness in my whole self- that God would speak to the parts that need to align under His mighty hand. And that I would find joy and light as I go through this new wilderness- with a spirit of adventure, as each day there is something to know, to find, to be discovered... to record and write down for myself that is not just routine or a job or a country... you get the idea.

***
And in laying upon us the light cross of ashes, the Church desires to take off our shoulders all other heavy burdens—the crushing load of worry and guilt, the dead weight of our own self-love. We should not take upon ourselves a "burden" of penance and stagger into Lent as if we were Atlas, carrying the whole world on his shoulders...This is not the God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who Himself "hides" our sins and gets them out of sight...The God of Ash Wednesday is like a calm sea of mercy, and in Him there is no anger. -Thomas Merton