Blessings and 'the other',

Sorry for the MIAness. Mostly May has been mild...  or without alliteration- pretty good. Played volleyball the last 3 weekends and that gave me something to look forward to, grounded me a bit and the weather has been good. Plus birthday amusements and awesome packages. And this weekend is buddhas birthday weekend so we have monday off. Gives me a chance to be at home - puttering around a studio apt takes less time but principally the same tasks apply- plants, dishes, sweeping, laundry, food... and watching how the light filters through my apt is something that makes me happy... so after that-

I just got back from hanging out with my co-workers. Which for some reason i had a bit of a reluctance to do- mostly because yes i am anti-social and i didn't want to do anything, and also i just had the idea that they would be speaking korean non-stop and i would be staring into space a lot.

It happened like this- they didn't really note my birthday. They sort of blip by and you're lucky if someone takes notice. The office isn't really uh- community oriented in terms of being recognized as a teacher or a group? It's not the k-teachers fault. There's just no one to do it. Granted I am guilty of that to some degree...  And i told Y that my birthday had been sunday and she said, aw we have to celebrate it and seemed genuinely bummed she didn't know. Which was nice. I forgot about it. Also my dream of co-worker outings with the new foreign teacher M came immediately to an end because of what i'll call the 'shunning'.

Since I had a definite feeling they wouldn't want to go to the neorebang and bbq with her like they did with J and I... and that's only because I had come now that i reflect on it. Since J never went out with them before I got there. That sounds horrible but anyway- I broached it once and was met with a pointed silence of busy-ness. I was reminded what J said to me before she left, K, they LIKE YOU. To preface the k teachers share their meals. They have a dish of rice they keep in front of them and offer their main and side dishes to everyone at the table. I took it for granted that they ate whatever I offered. Even if it was just a polite bite, usually it's more, and i also had the right to ask them to help finish whatever i had so i wouldn't take home leftovers. Not just because i'm older or the same age but because- why not. And then J said to me, it took me months before they would even touch what I brought. I stopped short. The korean phrase to use in most situations is REALLY?! (for real? getout! but said more like RI-LLY?! [Chin-cha!]). And then I noticed that they wouldn't even look in the direction of the food that M brought and that's with M's 'try this' and 'this is such and such'. Even after Y, who felt bad, was like, no you guys, really it's good. PAINFUL.

And I got that horrible, aw come on guys, feeling. Chin-cha!? Come on. I don't know what I did to deserve inclusion except that I'm super, i don't know- neutral? or calm. It doesn't do well to be a western extrovert around a bunch of introverted Koreans. That's for sure. At it's core- that, include me- I'm trying too hard- Or rather all of my quirks and personalityness is brimming right there at the surface for you to see, and at least these k-teachers are much more quiet on the surface, and won't even let you touch what they think or feel about anything let alone talk about it with you in english- and i can say even from my calm but deepwatered self, i found it super abrasive at first. Grating and annoying. I'm going to hold out hope she wins them overeventually. Because she really does rock as a person. Because she is trying. She embraces language. She makes an effort. She is bold and adventurous, a good cook and a snappy dresser.

But in the meantime, K said to me, 'what are you doing saturday'... i said, i don't know. nothing. she said, come to E's house. J will be there. You can say hi. I could hardly refuse. I underplayed it because i noted, within M's hearing that she wasn't invited. And I liked J a lot- she's back from iceland- they decided not to relocate. And I took my negative, taking it all for granted self- as K picked me up near the bank, and drove us over. They were all dressed casually, i had the idea after a bit that they did this sort of thing-- a lot? That it wasn't just a "oh J's back" celebration. But a, no, we hang out. This is our thing. So that after they considered enough to order me something i could eat, and then further surprised me with a gluten free chocolate mouse that had a cookie on it that said, happy birthday karen, and sung me happy birthday. My deep watered self felt like an ass- and also deeply moved. And conflicted, and honored, and pained.

Anyway i dont know exactly what I'm saying. Except that being included is something I didn't expect, or care about? or I don't know--  it's like falling in deeper water when you expected to just skim the surface.  It's something I can't quite grasp but it's significant. And i hope that I reach out to return the gesture- or aren't so glib as i usually can be about a lot of things. In general i like my sarcasm- but like the other day i was reminded. .. a guy at VB was saying, something about how nice it was, the communityness, and boistering hope and something- and I said, is this restoring your faith in humanity or something?- and he rather off-handedly said- No. I never lost it. And i can say i'm probably somewhere in between. His sincerity touched me and there was no room for a joke or complaint. It just was. I don't know. Or as the koreans love love love to say 'mol-la-yo'. mol-la. mol-la-yo- i don't-know.

k.g/nite.

Brief,

Had a moment in church, which God doesn't often speak to me in this way- I heard this guy (it was his birthday that very day) sitting next to me say "I'm not a good christian"... it was something in reference to communion and church and i don't know. He said it seriously as if he was falling short or with a i mean to say this casually but- . It had broad implications and it crawled right into my skin and i couldn't focus for the entire service. All i could do was stare at his pamphlet and imagine what I thought God was telling me to tell him "he doesn't want you to be a 'good christian'. He wants you to know him." over and over and over as i reasoned with God that He might not really want me to say what i thought i had to say... but by the end of the service where the pastor was dismally bringing up hell and eternal apartness after a dry and bulletpoint laden sermon, I got more and more agitated until finally during communion (which he didn't take) I reached over and asked if i could borrow his bulletin and wrote "I know this is weird but i had to tell you, he doesn't want you to be a good christian, He just wants you to know Him. [smiley face :)]" He read it and just sort of good naturedly shrugged. Like hmm, ok. Not weird but you know ok, i'll take it kind of thing. And i just contemplated crawling into a hole. Cringe.

I hope it struck you know? The target. The lie that was, i thought, setting into his heart- But anyway I had to look away as i didn't want to know what he would do with the bulletin by the end of the service since he turned it over after standing up for a song- look away! Anyway, then to remind each other of the exchange for the next almost 5 hours-- I through no fault of my own, sat across from him through lunch talking about idle things- south africa, renewing contracts... and then near each other at a coffee house and by the park... it was one of those sucked into the orbit kind of days and i kept bringing up the fact i had to get back to the beach like an idiot with a tick or just flaunting the awesome but far away location in which i lived until i finally tore myself away and said, ok i have to GO. bye BYE BYE. (severing threads and magnetic pulls as i went). He JUST WANTS YOU TO KNOW HIM. over and over and over.

Anyway, i didn't mean for that to be so long as i was just going to post pictures... I was reminded to tell you about the old woman who came up to me on the tree lined walkway by the dry riverbed- how she stopped me and started talking to me, gesturing at my height, touching my sides and stomach and my arms- she seemed to be bathing me in this goodnatured concern and commentary. I hope i wasn't deceived but i felt such a pulse of love and knowing that i got all emotional. I would've hugged her as my arms touched hers if it would've been right. But as it was I bowed and smiled and tried to tell her where i lived and they always ignore the one phrase i know which is "i dont understand korean"... it's an experience i suppose in which how far can my physical presence communicate the heart of what i have to say? Besides kids and boundaries which is a wholenother story of needing to do. dammit cat is eating my curtain. bad kitten! nevermind.

k.

ps. im eating this soup thing with reduced pork and seaweed with redbeans/rice... and yes, its frickin' delicious. i can't explain it.

questions from 6,000 miles away:

how ARE you?
the week flew by thankfully. i'm also trying to get ridiculous amounts of sleep. and hopefully it's not just the anxiety talking. i had a really good chat with LL and i'll recap more about reorienting my focus from "it"to Jesus instead. and contemplating a hair cut.

how are things?

a loaded gun. a rollercoaster. i'm afraid i'll bottom out again like a child when j # 1 leaves in 1 week, or when j #2 leaves in a month. and the cat, aka the ward, still have. still trying to control the whole thing. still haven't gotten to the bank. still haven't been to the postoffice. and the wind currently is raging out there- so the startlingly clear weekend we've got is going to be cold. insert viscious bouts of whining and dish breaking here. who wants to see their tan fading, and not being able to relish the dress size diminishing? yes desert experience but still.

how are the kids?

-you know, classroom management = ugh. just behave already. and shut up! to the director seeing that i had let kids play with yo-yo's for 20minutes and trade cards in the back for the same amount of time...in my defense they were paying attention... it was a bad day i tell you and i had other things on my mind= lecture on being more strict. here to learn, etc. blah. yes, yes. ok. she was nice about it though.

-i really am loathing kindergarten. i just really don't have the energy. i walk in defeated. they need immediate focus and attention and i'm just like ugh, shut up! sit down! stop making each other cry, and hitting each other with umbrellas. stop. stop asking for water, for pencils, for the bathroom. snarf. of course i didn't ask for that class and still.

-one kid i have obsesses over his shoes. the ones he has on. sometimes the soccer cleats he's brought with him, tying them, untying and tying again, straightening them... oh and smelling them. yes. i suppose anything to distract you from english. yah i know. it just takes him someplace. the other kid just sort of yawns, clearly wants to die, and is only slightly apologetic about it. the other one takes quite a while to snap back to reality. for obvious reasons.

-i'm trying to work through candy and treats. some kids are way too competitive and that bag i bought is gone one week in.

-i think they like me though?

do you feel settled yet?

mentally yes. physically no. emotionally apparently not. apt. wise yes. but i think i've got the buying food thing down.

when did things start to feel more 'ok, i live here now'?
um no.

do you think you'll be going to church there?

i am. i've got a church 10min from my house. it's a bit formula and there's not really anyone my age but it'll do. some worship. some songs. a word. and maybe lunch with the youngins.

 

what do you do in your free time? 
mostly i sleep and watch downloads. i mean really i don't even turn on the tv, or draw, or exercise (blaming weather). on weekends when i'm not ill i walk on the beach if the weather is good, i go into shin which is 35min away at least and buy fancy groceries at emart, i go to church. i may try going to the coffee shop tomorrow and the local dime store for some frivilous decorative items. i watch the exchange rate and think, ok i'm feeling better to go into town to the big bank, and then i think *eh* (which really was only just today), besides that lay on the heated floor and talk to God or not. i also spend a lot of time staring at the cat, my ward. tomorrow is unusual in that my flatmate is in the vagayjay monologues and i'm going to see her in it, and have dinner with some foreign peeps from church. the only other activities like the fire festival and the haiku death match have both been fails due to death flus. so free time for me feels more like, everyday figuring out what i'm going to eat for lunch (mostly yogurt and fruits) to dinner (at my lowest instant rice noodles and best marinated chicken with vege and rice), and sleeping, and keeping up on the shows, and saying, damned anxiety, and oh shit my pants are getting way too loose and god, wont' somebody please send me some lunch meat and brown tortillas. that havarti cheese i snapped and bought cost me $7+.

k.

ps. say hi to those mountains for me. i miss them. and i'm glad you get to see them upclose. 

short side of anxiety,

saying it one way:
i'm on the downside of the flu- chest congestion, fatigue, par for the course on this the 2nd week. Feeling better enough for the anxiety to tap at my door demanding entrance. I've never had anxiety like this before- my fears normally take the face of hopelessness, never usually short of breath trepidation disconnected from my mental state and burrowing deep into my emotional core. I can't say it's pleasant. And I walk around bewildered a lot. I lose my appetite. And i really don't want that to be the excuse for having gone down two sizes. It's sort of appauling and interesting all at once. I wake up, but nothing sounds "good". I half-heartedly eat a yogurt, not quite satisfied. I go to work. I force myself to eat an apple and some nuts maybe (over the course of an hour). And that's it until dinner, where i sigh over the tasteless nature of everything in my sight. Be-wildering! me. I tell you. Body, not this way. Really. Really. It could be the meandering vestiges of sickness but even the smell of things Icould do without. And my meal usually supplemented by the other teachers feeding me.

My flatmate lists all the reasons of course for why little karen is freaking out, but no amount of saying "your safe" is doing the trick, or consolment in the guise of "perfectly understandable". I suppose i need to get myself to have a good complaint session, beyond the mask of fortitude. But it's hard to find the breath. And somehow I also suspect that they might be lies. Probably why the karens are fighting and at this point nonintigrated in the telling. I absolutely understand why people chose medication because it's this "thing"and you just want it out of you. You just want it to stop. It's a hard road everyday to take a walk with it and find voice to it, question it, counter it. And say why the fuck are you here!? And not just go away! Which sadly is not at all helpful. And actively realize that though I didn't bring this on myself and that circumstances and upheaval have pushed it to the fore- it is warfare, but it's going to take more nurturing and less attack.

But let's get at it.

I'm safe because God is with me. Full stop.
I'm safe because He is watching over me.
I'm safe because He cares for me.
I'm safe because He knows right where I am at all times.
I'm safe because He is my anchor and nothing else.

I'd like to say I'm safe because I have a job, a room, and food, but I know God wants me to see bigger and wider than that. He wants me to dream, and feel safe to dream. He is not a prison warden in which if those things are met I shouldn't complain or find a breadth to desire.

I want everything else to be my anchor and not God.

I feel unsafe because my director isn't teaching me.
I feel unsafe because it's new and unfamiliar.
I feel unsafe because it's new and it's going to take time.
I feel unsafe because it's always cold and someone is always sick.
I feel unsafe because time is scheduled and relentless.
I feel like it's going too fast and I'm still too slow.
I am impatient. and impatient I don't know another way to be.
I want more space in the day to excel and not just survive.
I want more vacation time.
I want to wake up to were I am.
I want to see the record of God's goodness running through my fingertips.

-------------
saying it another way:
barely eat. and wish you could weep tragically. enact tragic posture and mutter. get ready for work, wondering if eggs ever tasted good and how long before i have to get my pants taken in. put worship music on to block the prowling lion in the night that goes by day, take a walk to where the river meets the sea which is mostly dry. understand the comparison. you/river. feel relief trickling out already despite. siddle your way through the concrete divides and make your way onto the rocks. stop there. read a psalm. understand why john the baptist could die happy is the same reason you can die happy. go further down as the wind gets less. reorient yourself to the truth of jesus and how he saves. john it's the truth. rest at ease. find 3 shells that are perfect for crab homes. carry them to the water so the crabs can find them. don't take them home. like you want to. shake the bits out and watch them hit the water. pretend to look for things as other wanderers look on at you looking on. sit some more. read another psalm. keep listening to music. find a beaten up dinosaur head fit for a pencil. put it in your pocket and smile. find that you have to go now. back up the rocks. thru the divide. up the hill. stop to take it in. touch the volcanic rocks running up the road. say to yourself, feel where you are. feel it in your hands. place both hands on the rough rock. see where you are. see the sea. there it is. see the onions growing. see that worker over there. keep walking. turn around again. take a deep breath. close your eyes as you take each slow step to the top. to where the grandfather statues are keeping guard. cross the wide road. kick a rock in pace and lose it to the left or to the right. let it go. walk through the apartment village, past the taxi stands, and tous les jour bakery, past the school, and the small park, across another road, to the school, take another deep breath, find the woman and the man working the soil to be applicable to your working of the soil, it's just a different kind of turning over. don't wish you were them. know you are them. keep going. keep breathing. keep listening. when you say, ok, i can do this, correct yourself. Say, no. No i can't. But he can. He must. It is all i have.

For the Lord,

I can easily skew that to be for a fallen commrade in arms or make it seem more like a favor or some elderly man I ask if he wants help across the street, so if he says no i'm off the hook and if yes, then it's done quick enough and i can go on with my day. My meditation though off and on since i've been here is this verse "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord, Christ you are serving."...

My labor is for Him. It's a hard thing to put at the forefront everyday when i so keenly feel success and failure. Having been done in with the flu this week brought newer lows of my boss saying my kids didn't learn anything in an entire hour (check) followed the next day by, I'm surprised you didn't call in sick and it's much harder to replace someone during the day (hint/hint) to friday when a fellow teacher plummeted into chills and had to leave, to, don't martyr yourselves. But sick people don't think logically and in my head i'm thinking i'm feeling horrible at home with nothing to do so i might as well go in... to my other illogical thought of well why take one day off when the next day brings no improvement... God entered into the week simply because there was very little of me present in the classes to one night in the shower I remembered the thought that I had gotten used to asking when there was nothing else left- well, Lord, what do you want me to do today? And that simple, it's up to Him to be the better for me, to guide me and help me, even in my improvements and irrational half fevered thoughts- give me that desire, point the way for me and open my eyes. I mean granted i don't want to do horribly, but it's hard to know that even in my weakness just being present is honoring God?... I think.

It was an interesting and quiet shift of relinquishment. When at the last you can say, whatever you want. Bringing the struggle to rest, at least for now, and finding peace in your incompetence. There was a sermon over at bethel that talked about all sorts of inadequate people being put in places and told to do a job- so when i begin to think about it being about me, at least for now i remember, oh, it's something else. This is something else. This is not just provision via paycheck and mental challenges because I'm bored and needed adventure in my life no matter what the cost, but that i was called, and never would've gone if the road hadn't been so plain, to yes, i get up everyday because otherwise whatever the Lord is harvesting and doing will spoil in the fields if i dont go do it like he wants me to.

It's almost more that the examen of conscience goes something like- did i fail gracefully in that? When i completely messed up that one thing was I kind to myself, to my students, was i humble when one student said, bad teacher... or did i imagine backhanding him and stomping on his angryb/rd pencil case?

Anyway, all this talking is wearing me out. Sure I went out with the teachers against reason to a noreabang (aka karaoke room)...last night. i sang Creep and Loser by Radiohead and a couple others that spoke to those hard and negative places. Ifailed at ade/e bcs my voice was too hoarse and gone to do anygood. We drank soju and had dakgalbi and it was a good time listening to the mix of korean rap and pop music and some western standards like zombie by the cranberries or alanis' ironic. And now I'm going to rest the day away. There was only one other thing i was going to tell you- besides cursing the air that i didn't have my camera.

It was that listening to the same sermon yesterday, in part it was very loosely about JohntheBaptist, and i was half paying attention and I suddenly found myself emotionally caught up in the last hours of his life as he sat in prison, and Jesus told his followers to tell him that the blind can see. I was stabbed with a painful part of joy, that comes as overwhelming relief- which is pent up and stuffed in the heart. It was like being quickly and unexpectedly whacked with a stick in the face. His life wasn't wasted. I was moved and overcome in such a brief space that it had to be from God. Everysoften Ifind myself sharing those spaces and I was and am still so curious as to why i was given the insight. Perhaps it speaks to me feeling in a desperate condition myself- to hope that God's purpose outstrips my dreams, and know that you could be sitting in jail about to be executed and God will say, but see John, the blind can see. (thank you for the internet- luke 7). And that Jesus is concerned about the kind of ends we make. Jesus quickly reported the earthshaking fact that Johns entire life was built on the truth of His coming and that there is something to dying (the self, literal or figural) not in a desperate hope but with relief and joy. Don't worry about it John. I'm here.

I suppose the point is that God speaks. The internal churning and wrestling does yield something. It doesn't do anygood to come to a place of detachment and freedom if it's one that dwells in despair right or mmm, dejected futility - but one that hopes in the Lord, and how he redeems the desperate parts of all of us... He answers. Are you Him, the one I hope in? Are you real? Is it all in my head? He hears me and he answers. Yes I am. I am. Follow me.

Anyway, it's undoing me a bit. I wish i could explain it better.

Well, all right-

Dust was actually gathering on my camera. Sad.

There's no follow up statement really. It sort of just says it. Maybe i need an assignment. It helps the weather is turning warmer. And that i'll gradually be less consumed with trying to feed myself, find a bank (StILL) and postcards... But nevermind.

Updates- I still have the cat, which i call my ward. I think the korean is neku? It doesn't really roll off the tongue, so I may settle for the korean word for wind which is param (padam- or swallow the r while rolling it a bit and say it really fast) which they said was masculine but well... what to do. Han-ee isn't cutting it, whatever it means. Maybe neku param. One of the teachers without any prompting is calling vets for me and figuring out what i need to do to bring the cat back to the US with me. . . hummmm. I'll leave it at that. Poor cat. All i see is $$$. But i overwhelmingly feel God gave me the cat to take care of- for how long? I don't know. At least I don't have much anxiety about her at the moment. Except for this whole last week when i was pretty sure she was in heat... ach. So,

The classes- they go up and down and in and out like the tides. My problem is severing the emotional tie to said performance. My artistic nerosis is at full peak in these situations. And though today I became completely nervous when the head teacher decided she had time to sit and observe my class, I actually was able to fill the time. She was encouraging though I'm sure her inner perfectionist, i felt, was screaming through her skin. She said, she liked my energy, and said the phrase, you're a great teacher... i read that to mean hypothetically, if not exactly definitively- and then she helped with one lesson I completely didn't know how to communicate, (aka i printed it out, looked at it and thought i'm sure they'll get IT = fail) and said, she would help me with the school objectives... which frankly = what i've been waiting for. It's akin to saying, here let me help you to swim and not just to keep your head above water. And I think she also saw the full demand that 11 students age 5 put on one person in a small space, who are already at rapidly different levels, and with varying moods to ancy, angry, bored, interested, or disheartened- i mean it's not like she doesn't know- but maybe reminded is better? Otherwise the class that i dreaded like i've begun to dread the little ones has turned around in that they know i'm not out to get them or torture them and i had them laughing with my drawing on the board at end... and on the bus ride home thought, hmm i need to bring snacks or something, or what kind of games can we do that help with language and spelling and are rolickingly good fun... tall orders really. Mayhaps pictionary if i remember. And also the kid who was shooting me with a machine gun the other day, started to do it again and i went, whoosh, invisible shield, pingpingping, which got the 2 boys laughing. I know you wanted to know. I mean, no kill teacher, am i right? The only other incident which i'm going to try to relate more regularly as i get my balance- is this one girl is obsessed with my largesse. As we were talking about food just today, she said, as if remarking on some important fact, teacher heavy. I said, yes, teacher heavy. And i laughed. Of course when she tries to poke my stomach i bear hug her and dangle her in the air... as with the wee kiddos who try to lift my shirt up or touch my large earrings, or gasp when i take off my sweater to reveal my (gasp) bare arms. I had to put the sweater back on, it was that distracting.

So besides all that, and teacher, hair long! Y. and teacher, how tall! 175 how many kilos! X to teacher GAME! I am beset every morning by a scorching anxiety. My flatmate J insists that this condition needs to be embraced and not done away with- that our perpetual condition in life should not consist of a linear road on a straight trajectory and that to feel that way is not good or bad but something to be handled and processed. Yes, yes... ok. Lift it up, open it up, talk to it, but who wants it there really, as i've said before. It kills the 4 hours or so i have before classes. up to the stressful 2.5 hours i have lesson planning to the mind numbing and pressured place of teaching where really time does fly and i'm released. And though i've been here about 7wks now entering on 8. I've only been teaching full time for about a month. So whatevs right? And i've had a unprecedented 4 caffe lattes this week on the way home- probably not helping. But anyway, back to downloading, and tell me what you want more updates on-- it's too early for this to already be routine and boring for me. May God grant me the ability to see.

k.

Not taking it on,

I've got some anxiety living in my chest since monday. I can feel it when i'm not teaching, when i get up, go to work, leave work, sitting at home. It seems inherently disconnected from my mental state which is just treading water and getting it done. It makes me wonder where it's coming from. I think knock it off body or, God reveal to me what I'm holding onto. Since I read somewhere it all stems from trying to take what's not mine, what i can't control. What body, are you not letting go of? Deep breathing. Poor body. I don't know how i could've prepared you for the shit shift. Possibly more apropos. My body is calling for home. It longs to be in the garden, among my own cats, among my own people, among the early budding spring and spiking gas prices. It says, why am I here... and whines. It wants-Vibrating at a lower frequency. Moving less. Working a day behind and not following a watch, days, hours. It's freaked out. It's cold. It's frequently grey. The wind is loud. The sounds are different...the sky is not stark blue. Lolly isn't here. Yes, body, it's different, it's the other. You are close to the sea and the earth is not sand but porous rock. For lent though I want to not invite anxiety to live in me. As J says though I must shed light on it and not bury it in order to let it go. But it's hard when my body and mind aren't in sync. Hard to articulate. Hard to sympathize.

Same with my emotional state. Taking it hard when a student falls asleep in class. Despairing easily when same student refuses to work and continues to draw a n/ke logo on his slate instead of the word "climb" and your pleading with him patiently and silently, but there are no words in between, even ones he can't understand i'm not compelled to say. And knowing it's not the student. It's not me. It's a host of things as we misstep each other. He threw away his trash though so i knew there was a measure of respect left, but still. My emotions say fail as i sit in his willful noncompliance. Or when i've suddenly realized I spent 1/2 hour on one thing, or realize that the one thing i wanted to take 20minutes only took 5. How to pull it in, how to drag it out- it all comes with that word experience that makes teaching an art. I get it. It's not helpful though for my emotions to hear- the first year is rough, or you'll learn or... blah blah something, because all it feels is the gaping lack and the miss and the offness of it all. The sad fact that my tongue is tied and my understanding can only translate through my eyes and actions also. Which helps i know. I can see that with my youngest students because though they act like hellions they smile when they see me. And i know the most important thing is translating correctly. My introverted nature now pulled and absorbing all the latent energy. Trying through eyes and sympathetic gestures to win over the hostile, to temper the mean, to tame the energetic, to focus the roaming... it's alot. I know it's a success if when it's over they know i loved and was kind, and to try and loosely rein them in until i learn their names.

So this is what it is. It's just a lot. I know. And i need more quiet spaces of surrender and stillness in the meantime. And know that as LL quoted to me, God is a calm sea of mercy. I looked out at the water, and at that moment it was and echoed knowing into my heart and to my mind also. Here's to unity and wholeness in my whole self- that God would speak to the parts that need to align under His mighty hand. And that I would find joy and light as I go through this new wilderness- with a spirit of adventure, as each day there is something to know, to find, to be discovered... to record and write down for myself that is not just routine or a job or a country... you get the idea.

***
And in laying upon us the light cross of ashes, the Church desires to take off our shoulders all other heavy burdens—the crushing load of worry and guilt, the dead weight of our own self-love. We should not take upon ourselves a "burden" of penance and stagger into Lent as if we were Atlas, carrying the whole world on his shoulders...This is not the God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who Himself "hides" our sins and gets them out of sight...The God of Ash Wednesday is like a calm sea of mercy, and in Him there is no anger. -Thomas Merton

At the end of it,

I went to bed in a feverish haze wondering what about storage lockers draws people to your attention. The panhandler on the way in and then the guy who was talking to me in korean on the way out of Seoul, until i finally understood why it wouldn't take my 5,000w. Because it only takes 1,000w. So he made change for me, repeated the same thing in Korean as I nodded and said thanks, and he walked away. It seemed he was sent over there to make sure I got my bag and once that was done he disappeared. That was a good moment.
The opposite of that happened this morning, when somehow against all odds I deleted all my music files. I threw my desktop file into the trash because i hate clutter, and then went to get it out because suddenly my itunes lib disappeared, and somehow btw searching if in reality i had really deleted all my files, it became unrecoverable and disappeared. Don't get me started. I couldn't believe it either. Let me tell you, this was a new one for me on the list of stupid things i've ever done. I'm going to go ahead and blame the flu, and you'd think after that i wouldn't even try to do anything else like leave the house, but there i went, because i was hungry and why not just quick catch the bus to the hmart, because the rolls are only $2 and they're good. Of course somehow i miss the stop and end up across town with the opposite bus not coming for another 12min. I think about just giving up and getting coffee but I didn't come out for that so i start walking to the stop only to realize I didn't have any change for the bus for the way back, so in the drizzle i make my way to kingmart and find some tangerines to buy, and might as well walk a bit further now, back to the hmart, and by that point i'm so close to home i might as well just walk there and stop at the rainbow mart to see if there was possibly anything else i wanted to buy. Kiwis. actually. And that's when I think my God what a horrible day. Sure I dont have to work, and i've taken a hot shower, and the Idiot Abroad is making me laugh but my God my brain, i dont know if it can take the self-pity trying to crash on it's shores right now.

I'll just have to try and write about starting work tomorrow. Recapping my day just did me in.

Last Thursday for the Med Check,

I wake up on time, not like this last Thursday, when E ringing my obnoxiously loud doorbell- for a place that isn't that big, (a knock will do really) and i'm staring at him in my pajamas and blurry vision, having quickly paused my korean drama and assessed the situation, enough to know that i had pants on and that oh, CLICK, i forgot i was going to immigration today to get tagged, scanned, and apparently picture rejected because it doesn't show my ears?! the fuck. So then we had to go to the digital photo place and get my picture taken with no makeup and eyes glazed. I contemplated later that the flushed look and watery eyes might make for a more vibrant picture but I dont know. Well at least i'm officially registered or the chip's been implanted. Whatevs.

So he drives me in the van over to the hospital, a place that in any country, no matter what i can tell i don't like, a place i don't want to be the minute we cross the threshhold. I'm pretty much an appendage at this point as i just blankly stare around me and he talks to various people, fills out forms and attaches my photograph to paperwork, so that if i ever turn up dead or in the papers they should be able to find me... wait, my identity- well you know what i mean- So i go to the nurses station and they make everyone who is in the hospital for whatever reason change into patient clothes- these salmony pink heavy canvased type things- of course nothing there fits me. They concede to let me wear my pants but are convinced I can wear the top. I shouldve kept my bra on but i decided to risk the scantily clad thing with a clever tie that fits not at my waist but more like right below my breasts, that in another context, fabric and color, this might actually be fashionable what with the pockets, collar and tie... nevertheless it's barely holding in there as my vision is checked, blood pressure, color blindness, weighed/heighted and what not- none of the details were actually related to me so I can't tell you at all how i did on any of the aforementioned, though i could've asked E to read the findings to me, then i had to go get blood drawn rather informally across a desk, then my chest x-rayed- i love that they all sort of assume i might be able to speak korean. It's actually sort of nice. I want to say marron-neh-da but my raised eyebrows commincates too well for me. They don't even give me a bandaid, which i find the most offensive part as i go from waiting area to waiting area, and at one point down a flight of stairs while holding my hand over my top- just in case- and then the doctor, whose english is ok- suspect but ok, enough to ask if i have diabeties- which i dont think would bar me from the country, but maybe he assumed? and then asked if i had any allergies- but when i told him he couldn't understand what i was saying- and then when i wrote it down and he figured it out he was almost bored or irritated for having gone through the trouble- and then finished checking my breathing and was like, ok have fun. bye bye. but before all that the guy who took my blood said blah blah, window, blah blah, ok? i was like, sure? I'll figure it out. I look at the papercup he hands me gesturing- nothing at all like the plastic fortified things that are labeled and from what i remember placed in cabinets discreetly- but that has to be what it's for right? so of course, i encounter my 2nd squat toilet and i'm laughing, half-dressed as i am, that i have to squat, and catch? at the same time. well ok. i may say that i did rather well despite my fears and initial apprehension and that i was really dehydrated. I swear it's taken on a different sort of color since i've been here- which now might actually cause me to worry a bit- i'll have to webmd it to find out- but anyway then i see the little window and i just slide the cup out and leave it to fend for itsself and the guy is like window? and i'm like, yah, window. Shaking my head at the rather matter of factness of it all, and then an hour later am back home and getting ready for my first day at the school.

ps. we got the results yesterday- i totally passed. I guess? Everything said, negative but for what? I had sort of hoped they would test for other things and say, oh well you're not a drug addict but did you notice that you totally have X? and i'd be all what!? but no, that didn't happen.

Catching up,

Right so, before I get to Jeju-
There's me in the kitchen as my friends become convinced that I absolutely must find somewhere to stay when I get to Seoul. I don't know why it didn't bother me or why I couldn't be bothered. It's possible I'd lost the inability to take on any new information. They were driving me nuts but it was nice to let them do it for me. I think even as I sit here it's a struggle to articulate something that feels like being thrown into a rushing river and defaults me into silence. It's all going by a little too fast, and having been doubled over with waiting for so long- i must still be in that position. It made goodbye easier though. Woo, something is finally happening!  And I had become stagnant in everything I love, and things that I liked- lattes, french fries... general depression and restlessness.

Also something i was thinking about yesterday, when God's laid a path for you, it's nothing for you to just walk on it. It doesn't seem radical or crazy. It seems perfectly natural. It's almost hard to waste time trying to explain how obvious it is. Which is probably why I kept thinking, what's all the fuss? What is such a big deal? It's not that far. It's not that long. It's not that much of a change. I will just x-y, and then a-z and that will be that. At a certain point I didn't think I could hold all the love that was being poured out over me at my leaving. I was constantly startled and speechless. I blurted out at a tea on one of the last days that time is gentleness. Which usually and probably never will again feel that sort of thing, but when I think back to teaching overseas out of gradschool and how it seemed too big, too much of everything to now, during a fast, it clicked and I said, yes, without blinking an eye. It's so evident to me of how God has moved me and transformed me. He said, my provision for you is there. And i said, OK. It also blinds you to the obvious recklessness of your position- in bare bones: a random guy that you sort of new in highschool mentions that since you're jobless you should come to teach in koera on FB, having never taught before you say yes after having fasted from meat and sugar for 21 days, because it is clear as the sun setting on the water that's the direction you should go, you spend $300 on fees to do this thing, and then you start talking to strangers on the internet, you apply to a school you've never heard of on a place you've never been, you and they both agree that you should come teach, even though they've never seen you, and don't know if you'll be good but based on a flinty resume and 1 conversation, so you upheave your entire life- you give up control of your house, car, cats, church to God, because there's nothing else you can do, but it also seemed a constant beacon of, I told you there were 3 things you had to give up control over, right yes, that's going to make letting go easier, and then you go, and find yourself on a plane full of asians flying over the pacific ocean.

Most of my friends could not see the teaching thing- I suppose I'm the only one who finds it not only ironic but almost inevitable. On one of the last days of high school there was a conversation about careers, and I had two teachers that I loved tell me how good a teacher I would be, and a couple friends I remember agreed. I thought, oh never! I don't know why. Probably a lot of bias over the US school system, over bureaucracy, but i felt it looming all these years since like a prophecy. Which reminds how important it is, the things that are constantly spoken over people- over me for this trip specifically and I think, wow, what on earth am I going to be doing in korea! it must be amazing and special! And orienting it in a way of its not me but God keeps the head swelling to a minimum but it also directs my purpose, to do whatever He has for me, and whatever He wants. We'll see.

Anyway, ok that felt good. Like there were some thoughts there and some words strung together. Back to the 21st. My dad asking if i needed cash, and saying to have fun, and my mom holding a cat and saying bye! After bearhugging a couple of my besties goodbye, kerry and amber took care of me and ushered me to LAX, paid for parking, paid for a cart, finding out my carryon was 20 lbs over, paid for that, and then sent me off with some waves and laughs through a shortline at security. Where shortly there after i ate a squished tangerine, and forgot my toilettries bag, so imagine my surprise when a very put together attendent came walking down the aisle with it and inquiring. Not only that but someone asked me if i would kindly be so gracious as to sacrfice my middle seat so the mother and daughter could sit together and if I wouldn't mind having to sit in the aisle seat. Ohhh, o-k. Sigh.

I only got emotional a couple times. When Turtle (my 18yrold tortisehair) seemed to say goodbye to me, sort of kills me even now, and when I turned off my phone. That very dramatic internal voice that was saying, IT'S TIME. Of course in order to cancel att they want me to call from that said phone, internationally. Superawesome. But anyway, it all went as planned. I stayed up, watched the Help, ate some bibimbop, reluctantly got up for breakfast and then went back to sleep and we landed. It all seemed very ordinary. And after the jamba juice and resting at the airport i figured out where the express to seoul was and very reluctantly gave up my luggage cart, and sat and tried to figure out what the directions to the hostel actually meant and if i really shouldn't just call it quits and get a cab. I allowed myself brief looks out the window to the dawn lit hills of the northern borders, and it just brought a smile to my face, and i was like, aw, hi korea. Familiar, like touching a soft and favorite fabric. Or maybe a more, we meet at last, aren't you delicious, sort of thing.

love-me.
Next up, the hostel and seoul impressions.

(ps. this is what they did to my yellow umbrella. it was the only thing TSA inspected and even the custom agent was like, excuse me, what's in the box... why my yellow umbrella of course. and the only thing SG commented on, you brought your umbrella? we have plenty of those. no NO YOU DO NOT. you do not have my yellow umbrella. puhlease.)

Unforgivable 2 month gap,

As I sit here on my tiny chair, that is as we speak contemplating death, poor chair, I realize that the gap in the story for myself and my eventual hordes of fans is really bad. So let's see:

Job notice pops up on daveseslforum. I apply immediately. Oh jeju! Kang and Damon both think that I won't be able to find something until mid january and they are slow, actually don't ever send me any more job notices. Despite repeated requests for them to do so, and them repeatedly telling me they will. And suddenly I'm only talking to damon and never to kang. Sadness. Mr.Jeju sent me a couple notices at first but then since it seemed that i wanted to come in January or end of january sort of dismissed me entirely too. But then the lovelies on Jeju called SG asked me to interview. I did. She contacted my references pretty immediately and then NOTHING. . . and something about a terrible cold, and not sure, and blah blah blah. Damon finally said, I'll send you notices... ok. SG said, I'll let you know... It wasn't until the 26th that I finally said I really don't mean to pressure you but i must as the Seoul peeps want me to work there- and i think finally got miffed that i didn't. So that by wednesday SG finally says yes to hiring me, and by the 31st the contract is negotiated and expressed to them. They get it by the 3rd. The visa comes through lightening fast on the 4th. Friday I apply for the visa. I buy a plane ticket. By monday my visa is in- and thus begins the speedy downslope of departure that was the 21st. So obviously i can't be blamed for not stringing a coherent thought together. And yes, i was busy playing xbox but that was totally necessary.

Well, and Then

kang: Hey... Schu...Terribly sorry..I had an unexpteced issue coming up.
kang: I missed the time.
kang: I am available..You are in LA...I am in Seoul.

Korea, right? Maybe?

I've already set myself to: Let's go. Am totally going to be bummed if that teacher recruiter doesn't call me or if he's like sorry, all the contracts i have for you sort of suck, so. Or what if they're all no, we don't want someone who's 35 with a masters degree, and we're not going to let you adventure in our country and pay off your debts and work in our country and warp young minds who desire a conversational ability in speaking english.

I'm already looking forward to someone asking me my blood type (B+), going to an abandoned amusement park on a small island, touring southeast asia, paying most of my CC bills off, and part of my car, and taking a trip into Japan, and eating lots of korean bbq and finding the sbux in busan and the gf pizza options i've heard about, and standing like a slightly larger pocahontas against the backdrop of the mighty, ...uh sea of japan?ocean crashing against the jagged rocks of the shore of my destiny.

Oddly most of my obstacles are money related. Go figure. And my finger prints don't come back until end of october... i hope sooner? But more on that when i feel like meticulously laying out my beurocratic journey in detail for you, because you care. I know you do.