Brief,

Had a moment in church, which God doesn't often speak to me in this way- I heard this guy (it was his birthday that very day) sitting next to me say "I'm not a good christian"... it was something in reference to communion and church and i don't know. He said it seriously as if he was falling short or with a i mean to say this casually but- . It had broad implications and it crawled right into my skin and i couldn't focus for the entire service. All i could do was stare at his pamphlet and imagine what I thought God was telling me to tell him "he doesn't want you to be a 'good christian'. He wants you to know him." over and over and over as i reasoned with God that He might not really want me to say what i thought i had to say... but by the end of the service where the pastor was dismally bringing up hell and eternal apartness after a dry and bulletpoint laden sermon, I got more and more agitated until finally during communion (which he didn't take) I reached over and asked if i could borrow his bulletin and wrote "I know this is weird but i had to tell you, he doesn't want you to be a good christian, He just wants you to know Him. [smiley face :)]" He read it and just sort of good naturedly shrugged. Like hmm, ok. Not weird but you know ok, i'll take it kind of thing. And i just contemplated crawling into a hole. Cringe.

I hope it struck you know? The target. The lie that was, i thought, setting into his heart- But anyway I had to look away as i didn't want to know what he would do with the bulletin by the end of the service since he turned it over after standing up for a song- look away! Anyway, then to remind each other of the exchange for the next almost 5 hours-- I through no fault of my own, sat across from him through lunch talking about idle things- south africa, renewing contracts... and then near each other at a coffee house and by the park... it was one of those sucked into the orbit kind of days and i kept bringing up the fact i had to get back to the beach like an idiot with a tick or just flaunting the awesome but far away location in which i lived until i finally tore myself away and said, ok i have to GO. bye BYE BYE. (severing threads and magnetic pulls as i went). He JUST WANTS YOU TO KNOW HIM. over and over and over.

Anyway, i didn't mean for that to be so long as i was just going to post pictures... I was reminded to tell you about the old woman who came up to me on the tree lined walkway by the dry riverbed- how she stopped me and started talking to me, gesturing at my height, touching my sides and stomach and my arms- she seemed to be bathing me in this goodnatured concern and commentary. I hope i wasn't deceived but i felt such a pulse of love and knowing that i got all emotional. I would've hugged her as my arms touched hers if it would've been right. But as it was I bowed and smiled and tried to tell her where i lived and they always ignore the one phrase i know which is "i dont understand korean"... it's an experience i suppose in which how far can my physical presence communicate the heart of what i have to say? Besides kids and boundaries which is a wholenother story of needing to do. dammit cat is eating my curtain. bad kitten! nevermind.

k.

ps. im eating this soup thing with reduced pork and seaweed with redbeans/rice... and yes, its frickin' delicious. i can't explain it.

Raining Here and Now,

My anxiety has slacked to a light intermittent wind. On Sunday I talked to my body about its pilgramage on earth. I said, wake up, wake up body. You're clouding my eyes to the adventure I hold myself to be on. Body, I say, this isn't ordinary. There is no before or after, but only now. Body, this is what you came for didn't you know? You wanted weather. You wanted the black sand and volcanic rock. You wanted less. You wanted solitude. Body wake up. Wake up from the garden and the stark blue sky of California. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Can you feel the difference? Not better, not worse but new. Take it in. You are not at home anymore.
O'Ecclesia, to this i have come. This shore of Christ's people lapping at my feet. Wake up. Wake up. The children at your door. The sea at your ear. Wake up. Wake up, to the God that is able. Awake senses, as He shows us the way. He will keep us. He will guide us. Do you hear? Stop straining. Come into the present. Stop longing for what was commanded you relinquish. Body rejoice in the labor the Lord has given you.  Here you are. He gives- the walks you take, the food you eat, the water you drink, the wide ocean, the noise and clatter, the sound of korean, the coffee and bread of life, see how the Lord has established you here... and that cat too maybe. For now. None of this is routine. Don't let your need to be comfortable blind you to the extraordinary that you find yourself in.

So after that I went out with a group of 20 somethings. I play young but that 12 year gap yawned in my mind- not in a bad way for the most part, just curiously. So much of me feels young and wide eyed. It was an interesting reversal. I can only hope my brain will continue to take in the information, and to be at the end or rather beginning of a trajectory is also something- to have no sure plan after 1 year, then what... lunch, more coffee, groceries, fish and chips... and then what... hmm, perhaps we should start a pool for what happens next... but then it's only been a month.

Today I found my mind longing for the future of being better, more equipped, more expert, and trying to pull me down. It's ridiculously tricky to negotiate all aspects of the self right now. I don't have one thing like joblessness looming over me to be the bench mark of success or failure if such things exist. I know that my skin is breaking out for some reason, and the skin disease the cat has from malnurishment requires baths 2x a week... with 10minutes of conditioning... are you kidding me? And that I need more games, and yes the young kids need discipline, and I wish I could express the nuance of Jun Hoon and Jin Hyun, but it frequently alludes me, and those kids they just say, Teacher, Games and that one kid today just kept shooting me with machine guns and bombing me with mortars. I said, no kill teacher. But he continued. Next time i will erect an invisible shield but in the mean time...

I was dreading a one on one teaching session but she was delightful. And then realized also I have no idea how to grade papers, but then also the walk in the rain that had my feet wet, had me smiling with the latte in my hand, and a brisk but measured step off the bus... it all awaits me. And the word of now is, Provision, and it wraps around me in stewardship.

the good.
k-