For the Lord,

I can easily skew that to be for a fallen commrade in arms or make it seem more like a favor or some elderly man I ask if he wants help across the street, so if he says no i'm off the hook and if yes, then it's done quick enough and i can go on with my day. My meditation though off and on since i've been here is this verse "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord, Christ you are serving."...

My labor is for Him. It's a hard thing to put at the forefront everyday when i so keenly feel success and failure. Having been done in with the flu this week brought newer lows of my boss saying my kids didn't learn anything in an entire hour (check) followed the next day by, I'm surprised you didn't call in sick and it's much harder to replace someone during the day (hint/hint) to friday when a fellow teacher plummeted into chills and had to leave, to, don't martyr yourselves. But sick people don't think logically and in my head i'm thinking i'm feeling horrible at home with nothing to do so i might as well go in... to my other illogical thought of well why take one day off when the next day brings no improvement... God entered into the week simply because there was very little of me present in the classes to one night in the shower I remembered the thought that I had gotten used to asking when there was nothing else left- well, Lord, what do you want me to do today? And that simple, it's up to Him to be the better for me, to guide me and help me, even in my improvements and irrational half fevered thoughts- give me that desire, point the way for me and open my eyes. I mean granted i don't want to do horribly, but it's hard to know that even in my weakness just being present is honoring God?... I think.

It was an interesting and quiet shift of relinquishment. When at the last you can say, whatever you want. Bringing the struggle to rest, at least for now, and finding peace in your incompetence. There was a sermon over at bethel that talked about all sorts of inadequate people being put in places and told to do a job- so when i begin to think about it being about me, at least for now i remember, oh, it's something else. This is something else. This is not just provision via paycheck and mental challenges because I'm bored and needed adventure in my life no matter what the cost, but that i was called, and never would've gone if the road hadn't been so plain, to yes, i get up everyday because otherwise whatever the Lord is harvesting and doing will spoil in the fields if i dont go do it like he wants me to.

It's almost more that the examen of conscience goes something like- did i fail gracefully in that? When i completely messed up that one thing was I kind to myself, to my students, was i humble when one student said, bad teacher... or did i imagine backhanding him and stomping on his angryb/rd pencil case?

Anyway, all this talking is wearing me out. Sure I went out with the teachers against reason to a noreabang (aka karaoke room)...last night. i sang Creep and Loser by Radiohead and a couple others that spoke to those hard and negative places. Ifailed at ade/e bcs my voice was too hoarse and gone to do anygood. We drank soju and had dakgalbi and it was a good time listening to the mix of korean rap and pop music and some western standards like zombie by the cranberries or alanis' ironic. And now I'm going to rest the day away. There was only one other thing i was going to tell you- besides cursing the air that i didn't have my camera.

It was that listening to the same sermon yesterday, in part it was very loosely about JohntheBaptist, and i was half paying attention and I suddenly found myself emotionally caught up in the last hours of his life as he sat in prison, and Jesus told his followers to tell him that the blind can see. I was stabbed with a painful part of joy, that comes as overwhelming relief- which is pent up and stuffed in the heart. It was like being quickly and unexpectedly whacked with a stick in the face. His life wasn't wasted. I was moved and overcome in such a brief space that it had to be from God. Everysoften Ifind myself sharing those spaces and I was and am still so curious as to why i was given the insight. Perhaps it speaks to me feeling in a desperate condition myself- to hope that God's purpose outstrips my dreams, and know that you could be sitting in jail about to be executed and God will say, but see John, the blind can see. (thank you for the internet- luke 7). And that Jesus is concerned about the kind of ends we make. Jesus quickly reported the earthshaking fact that Johns entire life was built on the truth of His coming and that there is something to dying (the self, literal or figural) not in a desperate hope but with relief and joy. Don't worry about it John. I'm here.

I suppose the point is that God speaks. The internal churning and wrestling does yield something. It doesn't do anygood to come to a place of detachment and freedom if it's one that dwells in despair right or mmm, dejected futility - but one that hopes in the Lord, and how he redeems the desperate parts of all of us... He answers. Are you Him, the one I hope in? Are you real? Is it all in my head? He hears me and he answers. Yes I am. I am. Follow me.

Anyway, it's undoing me a bit. I wish i could explain it better.

Haze,

I  might have to start a running ticker of "shit my boss says". Like on Monday when she wants to talk over having lesson objectives which yes, absolutely i should. And repeat things, she's said before but still dont make sense to me, and then says casually like a thought flying out of an impolite place "they didn't learn anything in the entire hour"... i note the bullet come whizzing by me, fragments shrapnel into my brain and I'm left with that sentence of death working it's way into me bit by bit... i spend the rest of the... oh, god, it's only been 3 days...stopping bloodloss, and then on tuesday feeling i've overcome another obstacle by even showing up with the flu and working, she says, oh i thought you were going to call in sick. I waited, after 1030 though too late. It's much harder to replace someone if they leave during the work day... (insert subtext)... there was more but because of the sickness it's all whirling around me in vapors. As ive spent the midafternoon portions of the day with an unnatural sweat on my brow and convincing myself vomiting is unnecssary.
They didn't learn anything. Ah, awesome. Good thing i'm intuitive and self-aware or her comment might have actually been fatal... but let's not dwell on it as i do everytime i now lesson plan for them, ok? ok. Let's focus on how each day has seemed longer than the last, and that i wake up in a sweat, and wonder why i'm not well yet. Or how i'm out of food and spending $6 a day on taxis.

Anyway i better not go on. It's bedtime anyway right. And no, don't tell me it's going to get better or easier. i may well just send a giant butterfly to carry off your head... as i suggested to one class just a couple of hours ago. They laughed. They weren't at all taking me seriously. Then again, another class I said I liked soju and they all were in an uproar which led to a downspiral in conversation, and they were asking what the word was for "ugly" to "beautiful"... i finally figured out- plastic surgery and how to say "i took too many sleeping pills"... not to be beat by my other class going on about how nkorea was sure to send missiles to jeju and kill us. I'm glad they're at least working the language barrier. I could think of a few i'd like to send my boss but i'm lost in translation currently- and as i said, night.

night.
night.
come on thursday!

Well, all right-

Dust was actually gathering on my camera. Sad.

There's no follow up statement really. It sort of just says it. Maybe i need an assignment. It helps the weather is turning warmer. And that i'll gradually be less consumed with trying to feed myself, find a bank (StILL) and postcards... But nevermind.

Updates- I still have the cat, which i call my ward. I think the korean is neku? It doesn't really roll off the tongue, so I may settle for the korean word for wind which is param (padam- or swallow the r while rolling it a bit and say it really fast) which they said was masculine but well... what to do. Han-ee isn't cutting it, whatever it means. Maybe neku param. One of the teachers without any prompting is calling vets for me and figuring out what i need to do to bring the cat back to the US with me. . . hummmm. I'll leave it at that. Poor cat. All i see is $$$. But i overwhelmingly feel God gave me the cat to take care of- for how long? I don't know. At least I don't have much anxiety about her at the moment. Except for this whole last week when i was pretty sure she was in heat... ach. So,

The classes- they go up and down and in and out like the tides. My problem is severing the emotional tie to said performance. My artistic nerosis is at full peak in these situations. And though today I became completely nervous when the head teacher decided she had time to sit and observe my class, I actually was able to fill the time. She was encouraging though I'm sure her inner perfectionist, i felt, was screaming through her skin. She said, she liked my energy, and said the phrase, you're a great teacher... i read that to mean hypothetically, if not exactly definitively- and then she helped with one lesson I completely didn't know how to communicate, (aka i printed it out, looked at it and thought i'm sure they'll get IT = fail) and said, she would help me with the school objectives... which frankly = what i've been waiting for. It's akin to saying, here let me help you to swim and not just to keep your head above water. And I think she also saw the full demand that 11 students age 5 put on one person in a small space, who are already at rapidly different levels, and with varying moods to ancy, angry, bored, interested, or disheartened- i mean it's not like she doesn't know- but maybe reminded is better? Otherwise the class that i dreaded like i've begun to dread the little ones has turned around in that they know i'm not out to get them or torture them and i had them laughing with my drawing on the board at end... and on the bus ride home thought, hmm i need to bring snacks or something, or what kind of games can we do that help with language and spelling and are rolickingly good fun... tall orders really. Mayhaps pictionary if i remember. And also the kid who was shooting me with a machine gun the other day, started to do it again and i went, whoosh, invisible shield, pingpingping, which got the 2 boys laughing. I know you wanted to know. I mean, no kill teacher, am i right? The only other incident which i'm going to try to relate more regularly as i get my balance- is this one girl is obsessed with my largesse. As we were talking about food just today, she said, as if remarking on some important fact, teacher heavy. I said, yes, teacher heavy. And i laughed. Of course when she tries to poke my stomach i bear hug her and dangle her in the air... as with the wee kiddos who try to lift my shirt up or touch my large earrings, or gasp when i take off my sweater to reveal my (gasp) bare arms. I had to put the sweater back on, it was that distracting.

So besides all that, and teacher, hair long! Y. and teacher, how tall! 175 how many kilos! X to teacher GAME! I am beset every morning by a scorching anxiety. My flatmate J insists that this condition needs to be embraced and not done away with- that our perpetual condition in life should not consist of a linear road on a straight trajectory and that to feel that way is not good or bad but something to be handled and processed. Yes, yes... ok. Lift it up, open it up, talk to it, but who wants it there really, as i've said before. It kills the 4 hours or so i have before classes. up to the stressful 2.5 hours i have lesson planning to the mind numbing and pressured place of teaching where really time does fly and i'm released. And though i've been here about 7wks now entering on 8. I've only been teaching full time for about a month. So whatevs right? And i've had a unprecedented 4 caffe lattes this week on the way home- probably not helping. But anyway, back to downloading, and tell me what you want more updates on-- it's too early for this to already be routine and boring for me. May God grant me the ability to see.

k.

Day Off

It was perfect for a day off. It didn't insult you by putting on bad weather. For the first time I put my feet in the water, climbed on the volcanic rocks and thought, this rock here is where I'd pictured myself. And I saw trips to the beach in the future come spring were i would just sit or wander and it would connect me to the island and refresh me everyday before work. Winter though is a hardtime to come to anyplace- and i'd think harder still to come in fall- you witness the beauty of transition and are ushered into silent dormancy with no memory of what Spring will be like when it finally comes. I mean i see the signs, and what looks like terminal rain but don't really believe it it will break away. The days of average temps in the 50's and no bright and beaming sky will become just as monotonous. Nevertheless, the day had a grounding influence which led way to violent feelings come work on friday, back to softer feelings come Saturday to now more anxious feelings today. As true to the forecast it's been raining steadily still and the sky is awash in felted somber tones.

That's what reading Dickens does to a girl.

I keep wanting to relate other things but can't manage it. I'll leave off and try again tonight.

nevermind i'll jUst publish this and try and remember to blog about spiritual detachment and lost loves later. makes me think, oh man, this year is going to be something... emphasis on some... thing.

Raining Here and Now,

My anxiety has slacked to a light intermittent wind. On Sunday I talked to my body about its pilgramage on earth. I said, wake up, wake up body. You're clouding my eyes to the adventure I hold myself to be on. Body, I say, this isn't ordinary. There is no before or after, but only now. Body, this is what you came for didn't you know? You wanted weather. You wanted the black sand and volcanic rock. You wanted less. You wanted solitude. Body wake up. Wake up from the garden and the stark blue sky of California. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Can you feel the difference? Not better, not worse but new. Take it in. You are not at home anymore.
O'Ecclesia, to this i have come. This shore of Christ's people lapping at my feet. Wake up. Wake up. The children at your door. The sea at your ear. Wake up. Wake up, to the God that is able. Awake senses, as He shows us the way. He will keep us. He will guide us. Do you hear? Stop straining. Come into the present. Stop longing for what was commanded you relinquish. Body rejoice in the labor the Lord has given you.  Here you are. He gives- the walks you take, the food you eat, the water you drink, the wide ocean, the noise and clatter, the sound of korean, the coffee and bread of life, see how the Lord has established you here... and that cat too maybe. For now. None of this is routine. Don't let your need to be comfortable blind you to the extraordinary that you find yourself in.

So after that I went out with a group of 20 somethings. I play young but that 12 year gap yawned in my mind- not in a bad way for the most part, just curiously. So much of me feels young and wide eyed. It was an interesting reversal. I can only hope my brain will continue to take in the information, and to be at the end or rather beginning of a trajectory is also something- to have no sure plan after 1 year, then what... lunch, more coffee, groceries, fish and chips... and then what... hmm, perhaps we should start a pool for what happens next... but then it's only been a month.

Today I found my mind longing for the future of being better, more equipped, more expert, and trying to pull me down. It's ridiculously tricky to negotiate all aspects of the self right now. I don't have one thing like joblessness looming over me to be the bench mark of success or failure if such things exist. I know that my skin is breaking out for some reason, and the skin disease the cat has from malnurishment requires baths 2x a week... with 10minutes of conditioning... are you kidding me? And that I need more games, and yes the young kids need discipline, and I wish I could express the nuance of Jun Hoon and Jin Hyun, but it frequently alludes me, and those kids they just say, Teacher, Games and that one kid today just kept shooting me with machine guns and bombing me with mortars. I said, no kill teacher. But he continued. Next time i will erect an invisible shield but in the mean time...

I was dreading a one on one teaching session but she was delightful. And then realized also I have no idea how to grade papers, but then also the walk in the rain that had my feet wet, had me smiling with the latte in my hand, and a brisk but measured step off the bus... it all awaits me. And the word of now is, Provision, and it wraps around me in stewardship.

the good.
k-

Not taking it on,

I've got some anxiety living in my chest since monday. I can feel it when i'm not teaching, when i get up, go to work, leave work, sitting at home. It seems inherently disconnected from my mental state which is just treading water and getting it done. It makes me wonder where it's coming from. I think knock it off body or, God reveal to me what I'm holding onto. Since I read somewhere it all stems from trying to take what's not mine, what i can't control. What body, are you not letting go of? Deep breathing. Poor body. I don't know how i could've prepared you for the shit shift. Possibly more apropos. My body is calling for home. It longs to be in the garden, among my own cats, among my own people, among the early budding spring and spiking gas prices. It says, why am I here... and whines. It wants-Vibrating at a lower frequency. Moving less. Working a day behind and not following a watch, days, hours. It's freaked out. It's cold. It's frequently grey. The wind is loud. The sounds are different...the sky is not stark blue. Lolly isn't here. Yes, body, it's different, it's the other. You are close to the sea and the earth is not sand but porous rock. For lent though I want to not invite anxiety to live in me. As J says though I must shed light on it and not bury it in order to let it go. But it's hard when my body and mind aren't in sync. Hard to articulate. Hard to sympathize.

Same with my emotional state. Taking it hard when a student falls asleep in class. Despairing easily when same student refuses to work and continues to draw a n/ke logo on his slate instead of the word "climb" and your pleading with him patiently and silently, but there are no words in between, even ones he can't understand i'm not compelled to say. And knowing it's not the student. It's not me. It's a host of things as we misstep each other. He threw away his trash though so i knew there was a measure of respect left, but still. My emotions say fail as i sit in his willful noncompliance. Or when i've suddenly realized I spent 1/2 hour on one thing, or realize that the one thing i wanted to take 20minutes only took 5. How to pull it in, how to drag it out- it all comes with that word experience that makes teaching an art. I get it. It's not helpful though for my emotions to hear- the first year is rough, or you'll learn or... blah blah something, because all it feels is the gaping lack and the miss and the offness of it all. The sad fact that my tongue is tied and my understanding can only translate through my eyes and actions also. Which helps i know. I can see that with my youngest students because though they act like hellions they smile when they see me. And i know the most important thing is translating correctly. My introverted nature now pulled and absorbing all the latent energy. Trying through eyes and sympathetic gestures to win over the hostile, to temper the mean, to tame the energetic, to focus the roaming... it's alot. I know it's a success if when it's over they know i loved and was kind, and to try and loosely rein them in until i learn their names.

So this is what it is. It's just a lot. I know. And i need more quiet spaces of surrender and stillness in the meantime. And know that as LL quoted to me, God is a calm sea of mercy. I looked out at the water, and at that moment it was and echoed knowing into my heart and to my mind also. Here's to unity and wholeness in my whole self- that God would speak to the parts that need to align under His mighty hand. And that I would find joy and light as I go through this new wilderness- with a spirit of adventure, as each day there is something to know, to find, to be discovered... to record and write down for myself that is not just routine or a job or a country... you get the idea.

***
And in laying upon us the light cross of ashes, the Church desires to take off our shoulders all other heavy burdens—the crushing load of worry and guilt, the dead weight of our own self-love. We should not take upon ourselves a "burden" of penance and stagger into Lent as if we were Atlas, carrying the whole world on his shoulders...This is not the God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who Himself "hides" our sins and gets them out of sight...The God of Ash Wednesday is like a calm sea of mercy, and in Him there is no anger. -Thomas Merton

The Cat,

While the tailess brindle colored girl is mine, it does freak me out a bit to have her. I did imagine that I'd adopt a straycat, which is crazy enough that it's come true, but where i'd feed it by the door and pet it and it would go on its way. Not the howling visitation that came in Compline last night.

I forget now what I was watching, maybe reading Dickens, Curiousity Shop online and heard the distant mews, until they came closer into plantive cries, turned incessant cries, turned freaked the eff out cries. I opened the window and saw the cat skitter near a tree on the sidewalk toward a smaller inner courtyard and look directly at me, as if it was drowning in the water and i was a far away ship. I could see the wheels turning of how exactly the cat wanted to navigate uptoward my 2nd story window. I thought for a minute, crap, crap, crap. It was so cold I could tell. -5?/20 with the windchill. Why was the cat in such distress? Maybe it'd had enough of the cold or hadn't been outside for that long? Or had gotten locked out of a house somehow? I don't know. But I went down as i saw it cowering against the wind in very uncat like fashion. It seemed like it was being chased or tormented somehow. I'm not sure. But that was the spirit of it. So i shluffed on my winter coat and the cat only hesitated about 1 second before letting me scoop it up as it slightly trembled and looked at me-

Once I got the kitten warmed up I was overwhelmed with that weird emotional thing I sometimes have in regards to animals suffering or being in the world. It kills me. It hurts my heart. It brings tears to my eyes. The other day I imagined a magpie dying i the bushes on the ground, on the way to work and was being nudged by his partner and I felt so sad I started to cry. . . Or even when I think of God taking care of the animals, it's all too much. For someone not in peta and that eats meat and isnt an activist i have a strong stewards streak that borders on painful when i think of caring for them. I picked the burrs out of her coat. Tried to get whatever oily dirt was on her neck and checked her ears and teeth. She seemed besides being really thirsty and hungry in ok shape. She couldn't have been a stray for long. I fed her an egg and then got up after a restless night of cat crawling on me and snuggling next to me and purring constantly, went downstairs and got some tuna to feed her. She's still pretty hungry but still. Then I continued to contemplate what to do. I thought for a moment she wanted to go out. She followed me down the stairs and then she struggled a bit as i picked her up and walked her toward the clear glass door of my apt. I opened it and we stood there- and then she just started to growl. Growl at whatever was out there. I'm not sure. It was the most curious and definitive sign. I sighed and we went backupstairs.

Then i went to try church out and she gave me a sad nervous look. Oddly enough I found, it's one of the only English services on the island? It's about 10min. from my house and one of my coteachers goes to the korean services there And i ran into two students who recognized me from the school. What are the chances eh? I ask. The girl said, she was happy and I asked her where the english services were, she pointed and i hope was glad to be of help, because I could tell she was sad she couldn't communicate more. In the service I was overwhelmed with God's love and the impracticality of foreign cat ownership. And felt so burdened by what I'm sure is a gift? I was teary and distraught all through the story up until the guy talked about getting a gift out of nowhere and he started to cry and then i started to cry. It was too much. I finally I think after a contemplative starbucks journey and a short nap on the way home, decided that she is mine while i have her. For however long that is. But to me the pressure is crushing- i think of vets, spaying, i think of communicating, taxis, and paying, and cat carriers and food and entertaining an apt cat, and far in the future of leaving, and my head explodes.

I think the thought of me being a transition for the kitten makes it seem a bit easier. Take steps to find owner. Pass out flyers. Ask at work for help with said flyer. Then after that consider vet visit. Start asking forum and other expats if they want to adopt a cat and go from there. She's currently snuggled under the blanket at my feet. She thinks this is her place and wonders why i haven't fed her yet. Living in the moment can be brutal.

Anyway the sermon was all about being an ambassador, not just a tourist. Good points on focusing how i feel about school and besides a slightly offkilter vibe from one of the main pastors it all seemed to be just what i need. Small, relaxed, and familiar- song/song/sermon/song/song... the apostles creed surprisingly and then unfortunately people noticing that i'm new right away even though i didn't raise my hand and start talking to me. I did want to be invited to lunch for some weird reason but that didn't happen. I was honest about how things have been going- stressful at school, adopted a straycat last night, no i don't want to get a car, yes i am from hollywood, etc etc. It'll be interesting to see what develops as I keep going.

Blah i'm blathering- tonight i'm going over to the lighthouse. Get some food and some coffee maybe. And then come on home to watch my shows.

much love.

(oh and ps. mom you know the smell thing- this place doesn't smell to me. it doesn't even smell like the sea to me. strangely enough after i'd cooked onions in the a.m. and then went to work and put the same shirt back on i could still smell the deliciousness, but this place no smell- so far quiet, can't quite see the stars, the wind- loud. the traffic intermittent, the people sporadic, the camillias starting to bloom, the onions and the lettuce growing in the lava rocked lined akimbo fields... what else. what else.)