Had a moment in church, which God doesn't often speak to me in this way- I heard this guy (it was his birthday that very day) sitting next to me say "I'm not a good christian"... it was something in reference to communion and church and i don't know. He said it seriously as if he was falling short or with a i mean to say this casually but- . It had broad implications and it crawled right into my skin and i couldn't focus for the entire service. All i could do was stare at his pamphlet and imagine what I thought God was telling me to tell him "he doesn't want you to be a 'good christian'. He wants you to know him." over and over and over as i reasoned with God that He might not really want me to say what i thought i had to say... but by the end of the service where the pastor was dismally bringing up hell and eternal apartness after a dry and bulletpoint laden sermon, I got more and more agitated until finally during communion (which he didn't take) I reached over and asked if i could borrow his bulletin and wrote "I know this is weird but i had to tell you, he doesn't want you to be a good christian, He just wants you to know Him. [smiley face :)]" He read it and just sort of good naturedly shrugged. Like hmm, ok. Not weird but you know ok, i'll take it kind of thing. And i just contemplated crawling into a hole. Cringe.
I hope it struck you know? The target. The lie that was, i thought, setting into his heart- But anyway I had to look away as i didn't want to know what he would do with the bulletin by the end of the service since he turned it over after standing up for a song- look away! Anyway, then to remind each other of the exchange for the next almost 5 hours-- I through no fault of my own, sat across from him through lunch talking about idle things- south africa, renewing contracts... and then near each other at a coffee house and by the park... it was one of those sucked into the orbit kind of days and i kept bringing up the fact i had to get back to the beach like an idiot with a tick or just flaunting the awesome but far away location in which i lived until i finally tore myself away and said, ok i have to GO. bye BYE BYE. (severing threads and magnetic pulls as i went). He JUST WANTS YOU TO KNOW HIM. over and over and over.
Anyway, i didn't mean for that to be so long as i was just going to post pictures... I was reminded to tell you about the old woman who came up to me on the tree lined walkway by the dry riverbed- how she stopped me and started talking to me, gesturing at my height, touching my sides and stomach and my arms- she seemed to be bathing me in this goodnatured concern and commentary. I hope i wasn't deceived but i felt such a pulse of love and knowing that i got all emotional. I would've hugged her as my arms touched hers if it would've been right. But as it was I bowed and smiled and tried to tell her where i lived and they always ignore the one phrase i know which is "i dont understand korean"... it's an experience i suppose in which how far can my physical presence communicate the heart of what i have to say? Besides kids and boundaries which is a wholenother story of needing to do. dammit cat is eating my curtain. bad kitten! nevermind.
k.
I hope it struck you know? The target. The lie that was, i thought, setting into his heart- But anyway I had to look away as i didn't want to know what he would do with the bulletin by the end of the service since he turned it over after standing up for a song- look away! Anyway, then to remind each other of the exchange for the next almost 5 hours-- I through no fault of my own, sat across from him through lunch talking about idle things- south africa, renewing contracts... and then near each other at a coffee house and by the park... it was one of those sucked into the orbit kind of days and i kept bringing up the fact i had to get back to the beach like an idiot with a tick or just flaunting the awesome but far away location in which i lived until i finally tore myself away and said, ok i have to GO. bye BYE BYE. (severing threads and magnetic pulls as i went). He JUST WANTS YOU TO KNOW HIM. over and over and over.
Anyway, i didn't mean for that to be so long as i was just going to post pictures... I was reminded to tell you about the old woman who came up to me on the tree lined walkway by the dry riverbed- how she stopped me and started talking to me, gesturing at my height, touching my sides and stomach and my arms- she seemed to be bathing me in this goodnatured concern and commentary. I hope i wasn't deceived but i felt such a pulse of love and knowing that i got all emotional. I would've hugged her as my arms touched hers if it would've been right. But as it was I bowed and smiled and tried to tell her where i lived and they always ignore the one phrase i know which is "i dont understand korean"... it's an experience i suppose in which how far can my physical presence communicate the heart of what i have to say? Besides kids and boundaries which is a wholenother story of needing to do. dammit cat is eating my curtain. bad kitten! nevermind.
k.
ps. im eating this soup thing with reduced pork and seaweed with redbeans/rice... and yes, its frickin' delicious. i can't explain it.
2 comments:
that sounds oddly delicious.
you never know where those words will take him and good for you for gifting him with them.
hugs.
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