My First Class,

On the days when Sg thinks I'll one day make a capable and experienced teacher, the one who says I was born to teach, thinks that this class will be a special class for me. Right now though it's a little intimidating. Oh and then she forgets that I'm new and wonders since she's told me once why i don't understand the concept of phonics 20min and blah blah something the other 40min or that she says, oh songs take a lot of prep work but don't fill up the classtime with X, or try to have them glue in their homework themselves- but don't take a lot of time to do it (except they're young and some are a little OCD about how much to cover the page in glue... Do it all fast... do your lesson plans in 2 hours, but to save time do x in class... it's conflicting. I get that she's overwhelmed and superbusy, but sometimes it's hard to figure out which advice to take. I mean- I've learned their names, but am probably butchering them, or likewise they're getting used to foreign teacher accent, and i count it a great victory when i say one of them correctly and their heads whip around in understanding. Right now it's a lot of high 5! and thumbs up! Good! And make eye-contactness. They're forever fumbling things, dropping things and as they get more comfortable trying to get a way with things like sneaking gum?or was it candy? or? Is that writing on the desk!? NO! and make big- X with hands and shake head from side to side, and one or two of them just being off-task or defiantly ignoring me, even though they very well know what the penetrating stare and raised eyebrows mean. One day i'll work up to listing all their initials and doing the step 1, 2, 3 and out you go,ness, call the parentness. But for now I just scoop up their origami or their cards and keep them until after class, or in general give them disapproving looks. Its a tricky balance between trying new things and wielding an unwieldy control.

10 were in my class today and it seemed so much more manageable then 12- mostly because the one who's standing on chairs and forever restless was absent, as was the one who is always shouting at me in korean or shouting the answers, lots of shouting in general in her puffy pink neon coat...she reminds me of what samsoon would be like as a kid. The boy who kept crying didn't make it a week and was replaced by a cute and quiet but equally sneaky and unfocused girl who doesn't do her homework. I gave her a shrug, sadface and tears dripping down my face to which she just as sweetly smiled and shrugged her shoulders. I do my best to understand them when they ask for water or the bathroom, and yes, now you must go one at a time you little shysters, though conversely i get that sometimes kids just need mental breaks from things- so i don't challenge them on it until Sg says this a.m. they're taking too many breaks. Class is for studying yes? What am i going to do? Figure out which kid is lying to me in korean? No way. I peed my pants one time in 1st grade because a teacher ignored me and i was paralyzed with the should i run out of the class or obey teacher and wait? I had a box of kleenex that helped a bit, i remember vividly, but that's it. As i said, no way. Unless they ask more than once, I'm sorry- they get to go. I'll give them a keen look in the eye but then out they go, hurry, fast. Go. It's a trust exercise. Also I try my best to figure out what they're saying and what they want- here?they ask? in korean? this? and i look and say, yes, or no, or thumbs up, and good!

Besides that the day starts with homework checks, collecting notebooks, handing out new homework- the dreaded glue in the bookness, then a song maybe, and class commands and objects, perhaps review from a-z of the animals, or a-z the A ah! Apple! which a few dickens know so well that the other kids don't have to try, so then i have to take the cards around and ask them quietly one by one, then maybe listen and write A, B, C exercise,introduce new letter, and then some drawing and color time, quiet time... peaceful focusedtime. Then bell rings, classover! phew. NExT class! GO.

questions, comments?

Fighting the Good Fight,

Since I wanted to hold on to the higher, less anxious thoughts of my weekend, I was pretty serious about petitioning the Lord. I went to sleep on Sunday resolutely decided I would fast until dinner at 5. I had a few bites of apple and a few almonds but that's about it. I listened to a worship service in the a.m., i sang songs, i prayed almost all the way to work. I prayed at my desk to break whatever it was that was hovering at me. And it worked- not like it was a recipe or anything- maybe a prescription, map, life line? That God sustains me and no other, not food, not work. So that when I saw the dreaded white slip- we have these communications that Sg tapes to our desks, which so far for me, have brought nothing but peril and overwork- i didn't even blink. I might've said, fuck, but still. As one of the kteachers was out with the flu and i was taking four of her classes, it was the first time she'd ever called out sick in 4 years, so... They were angels really. All so polite and attentive. It was amazing. Until the last class which did nothing but laugh boyishly with mirth, and tickled pink kind of attitudes talking in korean, that I just let them not do the work, barely pay attention to the lesson and count down with hangman for the last 15minutes, with sort of guuuyyys be quiet... omg you guys are sooo baaaaddd. I was thinking how am i going to assert my authority over these guys? Forget it. Sg overheard i lost control in the first 2ominutes and that seemed to upset her, and her overly critical and judgmental side whipped out at me, with arched eyebrows, intent eyes, and the repeated "you lost control in 20minutes?!" but she pulled back before i got completley seared. I tried not to let it throw me, and i'm trying- still- to not shut down with her completely- because no, she does not feel safe. No. She would be what we call unsafe. Tread lightly. Caution. She's actually sort of my worst scenario boss. I thought, most of my friends thought it would be the patriarchal oldguy who wants it done his way but no. I was ready for that. I want to like her, get to know her, but then wham, wham, wham. I could use with a little bureaucracy to stand between me and the bosses but as it is, it's just too small. Also today? present perfect? What is that! The other day they were doing something with commas and my head nearly exploded. I was like, woh you guys, what are you learning!? This is crazy! Anyway back to my kdrama about the creation of the korean alphabet- totally epic. Next time will have to tell you about a typical class of 7 year olds.

Mood Stablizer,

Am i even spelling that right? So things not to do first week on the job? Catch the death flu. Spend following week miserable and contemplate quitting and saying things like, My God what have I done? The picture below was what my heart looked like. There was a storm in my head also and my soul was getting frostbite. It was bad. There was no warm place, no central heating at work and my heated floors were cold.

It moves you to do irrational things like have fake lays potato chips, lattes out of a convinience store machine and snicker bars for dinner. Never in my life really. It's another first. It all tasted like watery ash in my mouth.

another poor choice- it was way too spicey.

 i mean it was fun to have snow build up onto my scarves and seer my eyes with cold but still...

But by this last Saturday I'm feeling better despite the mortifying reality of completely going MIA on my last class. Finally get to bond with J my flatmate (aka upstairs neighbor/fellow teacher). We head to Shin, a foreigner hub and apparently the location of a posh and vast starbucks, which once i saw it i pressed my hands to the glass and stared longingly until we found our way back there after the bus passed by it, oh also, a burger king and quiznos. Oh and a mega-e-mart. Sort of like our targets. That's where i accidentally bought $17 of beef. I was overloaded, overstimulated and of course completely forgetting i only had $60 on my creditcard. The 17,000 didn't mean anything. I dont know if i even saw it. I didnt even see it until i was staring at the -allinkorean- receipt and was asking myself WHAT was $17!!! I couldnt even remember until i saw the package as i was putting all my stuff away. J saved the day because my bill was double that and my card was no bueno- but i was still thinking- wait, brain? please i want you back. I don't know why were fighting but please come back. Let's talk it out. I'm sure we can compromise. I mean i gave it sbux before we even went. J treated to lunch and to coffee! and to dinner the next day. I felt so taken care of. It was bliss. Focus brain. Focus. Do i resent having to buy a broom, small dustbin and laundry detergent, yes. But i'll get over it. The $10 cab ride home was worth it. Don't hold it against me. And J and myself had some pretty fabulous talks, isn't winter over yet? Hasn't the ice melts begun?.

The next day J was up for a small hike up the oreum (aka hill where lava once was but is now covered in trees and on this particular one a couple temples, a fantastic view, and on the backside i will reluctantly tell you, a dogfarm. i asked j- she's like come on you know. don't make me say it. i know i don't know what to say. it is what it is? i hate that phrase. i dont' know. it did marr the vibe. i said, in heaven we'll talk this all out but for now...) It was a good hike though. Didn't completely do me in but was lacking that wilderness i needed. I really wanted to come up here too- the first day. I'll go again, but it left me wanting. We haven't gone to the top so i'll give that a chance before i go back to my sea and flatland loving way. Maybe i expected too much. We can leave the glory for the volcano and not it's children. It just lacked the totality of peace but the temple sites did have that quiet wind swishing through the trees goodness i love. We made our way back down and ran into some brits that J knows, and are the only people so far who care that i'm from hollywood. The k kids just stare at me like- what? where? who cares? Not canada? No? ok. 12 hours on a plane!? Horror.

After some more fantastic and soul thawing conversation, syncing up our thoughts over work (same/same- confirmed, expounded on and them some) and the spiritual messanger service that seems to be beating on Sg's door though she won't answer, we ate pad thai, fries and chicken cutlets, with some post dinner coffee, a view of the ocean and christian music playing over the speaker system. Another beautiful day. But still that anxious chest feeling of what will come on monday never left. But we can't have everything. We'll call it good, even if not even.

So that happened,

I'm pausing my korean drama to tell you what happened to me today. It's been super stressful at work, to the point of tearing up in the bathroom over a place i just really don't want to be. And wondering what could've gone so wrong. But today was a pretty good day. I did some light if not completely competent lesson planning. None of the kids were completely atrocious, but I felt like any sub would i suppose and didn't want to crack down too hard, not that it's easy to do either when you don't know their names. Like hey you in the back stop goofing around? And they turn on that I speak Korean and you don't face. I sort of think, though I know the other teachers are harder- but that if you don't care, can i make you? Are you interfering with other students? No? Ok. Fine. I'm sure there's a line but not on the 2nd day of a class I'm subbing on. Anyway, I fatally walk upstairs from my classroom, with that phew, made it through the day! Wow! I can't believe it sort of feeling. And as i'm putting attendence cards away, one of the k teachers says that a girl was talking in the hallway that she got away with reading a comicbook in class- yes, sure "i didn't notice"/care and was freaked out as i tried to move through an hour lesson plan on wednesday- but whatever, and let same girl do whatever the hell she was doing behind her folder because i didn't care just an hour before... Is it bad that I shrugged my shoulders and was thinking to myself- that's the least of my problems?!

So another k teacher was leaving. She says, are you leaving. I say yah. I hand Sg back her folder. There's some light banter. I tidy up and head out the door. Success. Feeling good. It's a 10min walk down the hill at least to the bus. I get it miraculously- right as it's pulling up. I have a second hesitation, like, hmm i must have forgotten something. What was it. I get on the bus, counting on my fingers and the realization flushes my cheeks and floods on me like i might passout or vomit or something. Yes, forgot to teach my last class. The 735 class. I mean I must have been in the elevator when the bell sounded. I still can't believe how it was possible that I got out of there and all the way down the hill without realizing. Did i really leave so fast? Luckily it's only a few minutes busride but by the time i run the short block to my apt and up 3flights to the other teachers house because she has a phone, my heart is pounding, and it's already 25minutes in to the class- aka pointless for me to turn around and come back. Sg is oddly ok, or supressing some sort of rage? about it? Or genuinely doesn't want to yell at me so that I won't quit. I'm not sure? But luckily another teacher happened to have downtime so he stepped in, like the consumate professional he is. And she said, it can't happen again, and quickly changed beats and said, it won't happen again. Have a good weekend. Don't worry about it. It worked out... mmhmm. Yes. But still. How embarrassing. I wish there had been another better reason than a shoulder shrug- and a mentally they didn't exist to me in that moment...  I don't even know. All I can say is, that's a new one.

Meanwhile what was the point brain? to let me down on that small matter? I ask you, why. Which leads to the inevitable- why God? I mean yes, i had secretly resented that R had asked to take the class twice and Sg refused his help and dumped them onto me for learnings sake or whatever but i don't think my brain or body should be acting independently of the other on this - is all i'm saying. I mean seriously, what the hell. Anyway my head is swimming and i need to lie down. This has all been a bit ridiculous- i mean i understand brain, i get it- you can't adjust to a new physical reality/time zone/ et al. and have a seriously stressful work environ. Things are bound to give. Is that what you're telling me?

Still. File under: Mortified.

To the Matter,

Instead of blogging about work difficulties/adjustments/latent irritations- they're there and i'm unnerved but I simply can't express them with more eloquence then GARR! and WTF! and COME ON! and really GOD?! It does have to do with the tension of the sea and the earth though. It can be read applicably. So for now,

The ocean. I dig it right? It's all vast and unexplored and what not. Except I don't. Not really. You know I'm always having those annoying conversations. Don't worry i'm the annoying one, when I'm all, I don't know, I find whenever I stare at the ocean to remind me of how I long for God, and how I'm absented from Him on this temporal plane. Where as I always find the one person who loves the ocean, who is transfixed, who sees God's expanse and is awed... and i'm all gafaw, I feel closer to God in the mountains. There I feel like I'm joining in the chorus of angels and can sing His praises... And then I say, well there was this one moment of desolation when I was in Alaska, it was achingly glorious, and all I felt was how I wanted to be a part of glory, to be in His presence and yet couldn't be. There were 2 double rainbows, a golden eagle soaring, perpetual pink and purple ribboned clouds on golden dusted threads and yet, heart ache and longing, otherness and aloneness, over a glassy sheet of teals and emeralds-joy, bliss, and yet in my mind hovering in the shadowofdeath. And when I'm at my favorite beaches I think aw, man, i'm total shark bait right now. Sure I still dive into the waves like a seal but still. It's never a happy convo. I get seasick too. But still, dolphins in the wild actually make me cry- but i digress, When I was little, the sandpuking waves at zuma beach churned up a rock and threw it at my head so my neck was stuck with a pinched nerve for like 10years or something too... Ok so we might have issues. And it's not like I don't think i'll get eaten by bears when I'm in the woods- so nature you know, fully jaded by its rogue fallen status just as much- equally maybe. But you know which is more likely to make me feel bliss- it's a garden.

I've found having been confronted with staring at it, the looks pretty big, this eastchinasea, lo' these 11 or 12 days that I become too transfixed by it's moods- It stirs me up and agitates me, and the fiber of my being, which is of the earth and of trees and of the ox, longs to plod, be fixed, rooted, and given it's proper space and time, rebels. It's totally too fluid and restless. Too full of tides, pushed around as it is by the wind and moon, by the hot and the cold. Also I'm facing north, which forever has always been associated with evil, the bitter cold, and inhospitbleness. Id rather face East if I could, despite the fabulous light I get. Or I'd like to maybe be tucked into the hill we've got with all of it's narrow pines. It completely irks me I haven't walked up there yet. I'm sure after the tempests of winter give way to the gentle gusts? of spring I'll be more in love with my luckyhouse, and my too true, enchanting view. God will speak to me about my labors there, and chaff the callouses away with heavy volcanic sands. And I'll find the smoother, gentler stone of karen in korea? no? too much? I know. I mean let's not predict how this whole experience is going to change me. Who can say...

But for now it's saying, boundaries and undue heavy influence and in need of mood stabilizers as the rain taps gently on my window. I had said I missed weather, like I said my life needed bigger margains. I have them in spades now and am slowly eating my words as i sit for the bus in the dark for 20minutes in the cold, or as I skitter home in the snow. There's delight everywhere though and happy thoughts amidst the overarching mental battering I'm receiving. I get that. For instance, my yellow umbrella- people have good umbrellas over here- lovely carved wooden handles, just like mine, of course not yellow, but still styled. She's fitting right in. She makes me smile as I unfurl her everytime. Or as I walked toward my now favorite coffee shop yoger presso, which i've found makes the best tasting lattes ever, the sidewalk a soft pebbled red, shone a yellow orange cast in the street lamps, glossed by the rain, and the trees anchoring the path arched over, barren, and shadowed, curved over each other in the night. It startled me, that's how pleasing it was. I was ranting to myself about how i better buy myself the latte i knew i deserved and had been waiting for or else, and suddenly I was gripped at the show i was walking through. Oh, hello. Hi.

Those sorts of things. The crunch of snow as your shoe hits it for the first time as it compacts under the weight of your step. Or the taste of just right lattes with cinnamon. You can only hope it transfixes you long enough so that you're relaxed and not on a mutinous diatribe about micromanaging. And arguing with imaginary people about only having taught for 4 days and having the flu for exactly 4 of those 4 days and... ok, i need to go look for the moon. I don't even know if I've seen the stars yet. Those are the things that will settle into me for the better. The other stuff I can only pray will work itself right through me.

At the end of it,

I went to bed in a feverish haze wondering what about storage lockers draws people to your attention. The panhandler on the way in and then the guy who was talking to me in korean on the way out of Seoul, until i finally understood why it wouldn't take my 5,000w. Because it only takes 1,000w. So he made change for me, repeated the same thing in Korean as I nodded and said thanks, and he walked away. It seemed he was sent over there to make sure I got my bag and once that was done he disappeared. That was a good moment.
The opposite of that happened this morning, when somehow against all odds I deleted all my music files. I threw my desktop file into the trash because i hate clutter, and then went to get it out because suddenly my itunes lib disappeared, and somehow btw searching if in reality i had really deleted all my files, it became unrecoverable and disappeared. Don't get me started. I couldn't believe it either. Let me tell you, this was a new one for me on the list of stupid things i've ever done. I'm going to go ahead and blame the flu, and you'd think after that i wouldn't even try to do anything else like leave the house, but there i went, because i was hungry and why not just quick catch the bus to the hmart, because the rolls are only $2 and they're good. Of course somehow i miss the stop and end up across town with the opposite bus not coming for another 12min. I think about just giving up and getting coffee but I didn't come out for that so i start walking to the stop only to realize I didn't have any change for the bus for the way back, so in the drizzle i make my way to kingmart and find some tangerines to buy, and might as well walk a bit further now, back to the hmart, and by that point i'm so close to home i might as well just walk there and stop at the rainbow mart to see if there was possibly anything else i wanted to buy. Kiwis. actually. And that's when I think my God what a horrible day. Sure I dont have to work, and i've taken a hot shower, and the Idiot Abroad is making me laugh but my God my brain, i dont know if it can take the self-pity trying to crash on it's shores right now.

I'll just have to try and write about starting work tomorrow. Recapping my day just did me in.

Last Thursday for the Med Check,

I wake up on time, not like this last Thursday, when E ringing my obnoxiously loud doorbell- for a place that isn't that big, (a knock will do really) and i'm staring at him in my pajamas and blurry vision, having quickly paused my korean drama and assessed the situation, enough to know that i had pants on and that oh, CLICK, i forgot i was going to immigration today to get tagged, scanned, and apparently picture rejected because it doesn't show my ears?! the fuck. So then we had to go to the digital photo place and get my picture taken with no makeup and eyes glazed. I contemplated later that the flushed look and watery eyes might make for a more vibrant picture but I dont know. Well at least i'm officially registered or the chip's been implanted. Whatevs.

So he drives me in the van over to the hospital, a place that in any country, no matter what i can tell i don't like, a place i don't want to be the minute we cross the threshhold. I'm pretty much an appendage at this point as i just blankly stare around me and he talks to various people, fills out forms and attaches my photograph to paperwork, so that if i ever turn up dead or in the papers they should be able to find me... wait, my identity- well you know what i mean- So i go to the nurses station and they make everyone who is in the hospital for whatever reason change into patient clothes- these salmony pink heavy canvased type things- of course nothing there fits me. They concede to let me wear my pants but are convinced I can wear the top. I shouldve kept my bra on but i decided to risk the scantily clad thing with a clever tie that fits not at my waist but more like right below my breasts, that in another context, fabric and color, this might actually be fashionable what with the pockets, collar and tie... nevertheless it's barely holding in there as my vision is checked, blood pressure, color blindness, weighed/heighted and what not- none of the details were actually related to me so I can't tell you at all how i did on any of the aforementioned, though i could've asked E to read the findings to me, then i had to go get blood drawn rather informally across a desk, then my chest x-rayed- i love that they all sort of assume i might be able to speak korean. It's actually sort of nice. I want to say marron-neh-da but my raised eyebrows commincates too well for me. They don't even give me a bandaid, which i find the most offensive part as i go from waiting area to waiting area, and at one point down a flight of stairs while holding my hand over my top- just in case- and then the doctor, whose english is ok- suspect but ok, enough to ask if i have diabeties- which i dont think would bar me from the country, but maybe he assumed? and then asked if i had any allergies- but when i told him he couldn't understand what i was saying- and then when i wrote it down and he figured it out he was almost bored or irritated for having gone through the trouble- and then finished checking my breathing and was like, ok have fun. bye bye. but before all that the guy who took my blood said blah blah, window, blah blah, ok? i was like, sure? I'll figure it out. I look at the papercup he hands me gesturing- nothing at all like the plastic fortified things that are labeled and from what i remember placed in cabinets discreetly- but that has to be what it's for right? so of course, i encounter my 2nd squat toilet and i'm laughing, half-dressed as i am, that i have to squat, and catch? at the same time. well ok. i may say that i did rather well despite my fears and initial apprehension and that i was really dehydrated. I swear it's taken on a different sort of color since i've been here- which now might actually cause me to worry a bit- i'll have to webmd it to find out- but anyway then i see the little window and i just slide the cup out and leave it to fend for itsself and the guy is like window? and i'm like, yah, window. Shaking my head at the rather matter of factness of it all, and then an hour later am back home and getting ready for my first day at the school.

ps. we got the results yesterday- i totally passed. I guess? Everything said, negative but for what? I had sort of hoped they would test for other things and say, oh well you're not a drug addict but did you notice that you totally have X? and i'd be all what!? but no, that didn't happen.