If you've heard this from me already, skip to the end,

A Saturday night. I've gone to bed wrong. I can tell. I don't feel at all convinced it's what I should be doing. I'm attacked by thoughts and behind those thoughts, anger. Wrongs and grievances lashing me to the bed- feeling suddenly alone and without help, with no one in my life that choses me first. Like my life without a champion or a friend. The incidents themselves were true, and all the hurt and the reality of living alone. True too. It was getting dicey in this infinite space.


And in the midst of it I returned to a landscape I've often been in. I think I understand where this place is- but by the looks of it- a dry expanse buttressed by sheer cliffs a long way off, a remote and fortified castle built into the side of a mountain, with a single round turret on which I often sit, wearing a really brilliant Victorian styled Gold number. And a medallion on a chain around my neck- which has been to me, since I've gotten it called 'the gift of loneliness'... I heard that in a sermon recently and I almost jumped out of my skin but now I can't remember- impossible to snatch. My deceased cat appears as a reluctant cherub in strapped on wings, hovering just above the rail. A paunch miniature bobcat looking at me askance. Anyway, therein has suddenly appeared a strong and narrow current which has cut itself through the scorched landscape. And there Jesus was, as he often is. Asking me to relinquish all weapons before I got in this new river. It was comical and melodramatic the amount of artillery...


You know. The gag where the weapons keep coming. And my fleshly self knows what it's lost in choosing eternity with Jesus. I said to him, if the good in me corrupted completely I would be good at revenge, and wrath. I would be unrelenting and consuming- self, others. Murder maybe. I am in touch with my darkside, to know the mercy of the one who called to me. But still I didn't want to get in- the current- too too of everything. I did, since he assured me I was tethered to him- this ferocious place of love, and asked me to release the prickly dead fruits in my hand- I did.


And I eventually slept. Reset. Worship music to sleep.


The next day I got up to go to church, trying to find a mental way around it and couldn't. I retrieved my necklace from the auspices of my St. Francis statue. And the phrase "the penitential man will kneel" flew through and i wondered what exactly God had in store for me-- which in my head I misquoted from IJ:the last crusade. It's the first test Indiana passes through entitled the "breath of God"- Only the penitent man will pass. And then the breath of the wind passing through the tunnel and billowing the cobwebs, and then giant blades loping off heads.


Yea. Church is going to be fun!


In the last season I've felt fairly directed about where to sit. And most unpleasantly I've been sitting in the very front for sometime. If you knew me when-- I seem to think to myself to no one in particular all the time. No one sits in the first pew at this particular place. One pew on the left is taken up by the security guard, who eyes me suspiciously since I'm so close. The 2nd (center) pew is taken up by the errant helper and tech equipment and the ominous countdown clock- the numbers turn red when the speaker goes over. So many sermons I listen to and usually not one escapes the mention of time... I digress- the 3rd front pew is taken up by the pastor usually, who has of late only come out after worship is over. 


God seems to tell me consistently to Expect Him. It's very Ephiphanl. Expect to see. Expectancy. Expect me to show up and work. And so I do sit front and center, with varying degrees of attitude. This particular time I was feeling fairly neutral. During the three worship songs- the dialogue in my head went like this, "Ok I want you to kneel now." Lord, no. Ok, well only if I feel moved to by the...and Lord, no, look- the kids are sitting next to me now for worship and their handler Lord. This is awkward... (silence). As the first song goes I'm trying to compel myself to kneel on the floor where no one ever is, no one usually does. I'm sort of hunched over like I have a stomach ache. Eventually after the inner dialogue doesn't quiet I drop down into the 2nd song- and with nothing to buffer the weight. I whine. But I remain. Then by the 3rd song, as my mind is now wondering if I'll be able to get up or will I have to topple to the side and pull myself back up onto the pew, I hear, "Now, I want you to worship." So there I go, raising my arms full up and out to the Lord.


It is not as insincere as it sounds. But a mere prelude or preparation. Obedience is a practice.


So the sermon ensues. And all I can think is that it's enticing. It's trying. It's luring. But something is off. I ask, what is it. I see a "heart" and I see Jesus' signature- or his personhood. Ok. Ok. But wouldn't it be beautiful if pain - that was the subject- were benign? and if we were just to assign it no object of good or bad but just what "is" everything would be better. That however, is all our effort, and frankly it denies grace. Maybe if I tried harder. And I mean is that possibly anywhere modeled in scripture? No. NO. NO. Jesus is dying on the cross- and he's thinking, this is agony. He's not thinking, you know what- I'm going about this all wrong. People I spoke to heard this particular sermon saying it "spoke to them" or was "reassuring"- time again. Which makes the discerning among the congregation screaming "am I taking crazy pills!?" Though one person I spoke to said, well I thought about sending it to my atheist friends... yes. Because? It-didn't-have-God-in-it. Once in an endless book discussion my friends- an agnostic and an atheist- both said, I agree with everything he says, if you cut God out of it. Right. So you don't? Well... And that's ok. But you don't. Anyway I digress.


I bolt out of my seat during the "transitional" prayer and on the way out an acquaintance asks, how's the weather with you... and I say, dry dry dry. Arid desert dry. And just like turning around and passing out on your face, I turn and hold out my hands and they're trembling and humming. And I think, Lord, I am so angry. I am turning over the tables in the temple angry. I walk into the café and my whole body is vibrating. I'm not seeing red. I'm not having murderous thoughts, but the whole of me has a knowing that the Lord is grieved. I feel the Lord's wrath and His power. I sound a bit lunatic to myself as I say this. The ecstatic experiences I've had with the Lord so far, are never pleasant and harpsaical. And this is all new to me besides. So I don't know what...


But that's what it was.


I plunked my head down on a café table, commenced with deep breathing exercises, repeating my sacred word. And still. Then a friend comes up and says, my husband is coming (as he has a set time to pray and meditate every sunday), and she sees my face, and she says, oh you two are going to have fun, and I say to her, I'm so angry. And then I just start weeping. We hug. She leaves. I argue with a hapless staff member to turn down the sermon so I don't hear it again. She refuses and suggests I go sit on the cement outside, near the info table? And that my concerns are "valid". He arrives. I'm not calming. He starts reading the psalms and I feel myself receding, not out of control, but submitting to an experience as I can feel the rhythm of my night to day intertwining in the real- in what He was telling me, and preparing me for. I feel safe, even if I feel I may break apart.


The penitent man kneels. I go further this time. I get on my face. I get full on the concrete floor -prostrate- in the middle of the café spread out on my stomach with arms out and nose to the cold. And I pray. For a good 10minutes or however long. I think no particular thoughts. The worship is ending (since I can hear the whole thing replaying), and I say, ok, I think I can walk and go outside. Chatter. More prayer. Chatter. And then I have someone pray over me and I'm vibrating and weeping and laughing and my whole body is electric and singing the Lord's anger and His wrath and His great love. Because of course- we come up to compassion, we come out in worship- but it isn't an idle passage as I imparted, or carried, or interceded for something I can only try and snatch out of the air. But true. And only the foolish but HolySpirit embued man who prayed for me sipped his coffee as he prayed for me, as if it was no particular big deal. As if this sort of thing happens all the time, as if the mystery isn't to be pondered. As if God wasn't touched. Or I obliterated in the face of---


till next.





  





      

on the way to work

here is the SB in jeju

though as i've found in most coffee houses here- iced latte has way too much milk so ive now had to learn "less" in order to perfect my beverage experience everywhere.

i must document this more fully as from here its too small to see but everyday people clean up the seaweed on the beach. EVERY-DAY. to me ecologically this hardly seems prudent. i mean yes i suppose the beach then is "clean" but still its this relentless maintenance i struggle with.

though this seems an idle beach shot - when the weather was turning perfect i obviously had to don the outfit and go meditate right there. in that spot in full view of all the old people cleaning up the seaweed everyday. im not sure which one of us seems the more ridiculous.

ah heres the coffee shop before work. theyve gotten my lattes just right. i'm going to go there this morning i think.

random art. love.

the massive swath of condos that displaced i dont know how many poor farmers. theres more coming to the east and just south. it was a beautiful windswept fieldy place.

tireplace and bus place

crossing the road

The Gentleman on the 11:10,

Will have to try and capture a better view but i was delighted to see him yet again today. I saw where he got off. I'll have to follow him one day...

Blessings and 'the other',

Sorry for the MIAness. Mostly May has been mild...  or without alliteration- pretty good. Played volleyball the last 3 weekends and that gave me something to look forward to, grounded me a bit and the weather has been good. Plus birthday amusements and awesome packages. And this weekend is buddhas birthday weekend so we have monday off. Gives me a chance to be at home - puttering around a studio apt takes less time but principally the same tasks apply- plants, dishes, sweeping, laundry, food... and watching how the light filters through my apt is something that makes me happy... so after that-

I just got back from hanging out with my co-workers. Which for some reason i had a bit of a reluctance to do- mostly because yes i am anti-social and i didn't want to do anything, and also i just had the idea that they would be speaking korean non-stop and i would be staring into space a lot.

It happened like this- they didn't really note my birthday. They sort of blip by and you're lucky if someone takes notice. The office isn't really uh- community oriented in terms of being recognized as a teacher or a group? It's not the k-teachers fault. There's just no one to do it. Granted I am guilty of that to some degree...  And i told Y that my birthday had been sunday and she said, aw we have to celebrate it and seemed genuinely bummed she didn't know. Which was nice. I forgot about it. Also my dream of co-worker outings with the new foreign teacher M came immediately to an end because of what i'll call the 'shunning'.

Since I had a definite feeling they wouldn't want to go to the neorebang and bbq with her like they did with J and I... and that's only because I had come now that i reflect on it. Since J never went out with them before I got there. That sounds horrible but anyway- I broached it once and was met with a pointed silence of busy-ness. I was reminded what J said to me before she left, K, they LIKE YOU. To preface the k teachers share their meals. They have a dish of rice they keep in front of them and offer their main and side dishes to everyone at the table. I took it for granted that they ate whatever I offered. Even if it was just a polite bite, usually it's more, and i also had the right to ask them to help finish whatever i had so i wouldn't take home leftovers. Not just because i'm older or the same age but because- why not. And then J said to me, it took me months before they would even touch what I brought. I stopped short. The korean phrase to use in most situations is REALLY?! (for real? getout! but said more like RI-LLY?! [Chin-cha!]). And then I noticed that they wouldn't even look in the direction of the food that M brought and that's with M's 'try this' and 'this is such and such'. Even after Y, who felt bad, was like, no you guys, really it's good. PAINFUL.

And I got that horrible, aw come on guys, feeling. Chin-cha!? Come on. I don't know what I did to deserve inclusion except that I'm super, i don't know- neutral? or calm. It doesn't do well to be a western extrovert around a bunch of introverted Koreans. That's for sure. At it's core- that, include me- I'm trying too hard- Or rather all of my quirks and personalityness is brimming right there at the surface for you to see, and at least these k-teachers are much more quiet on the surface, and won't even let you touch what they think or feel about anything let alone talk about it with you in english- and i can say even from my calm but deepwatered self, i found it super abrasive at first. Grating and annoying. I'm going to hold out hope she wins them overeventually. Because she really does rock as a person. Because she is trying. She embraces language. She makes an effort. She is bold and adventurous, a good cook and a snappy dresser.

But in the meantime, K said to me, 'what are you doing saturday'... i said, i don't know. nothing. she said, come to E's house. J will be there. You can say hi. I could hardly refuse. I underplayed it because i noted, within M's hearing that she wasn't invited. And I liked J a lot- she's back from iceland- they decided not to relocate. And I took my negative, taking it all for granted self- as K picked me up near the bank, and drove us over. They were all dressed casually, i had the idea after a bit that they did this sort of thing-- a lot? That it wasn't just a "oh J's back" celebration. But a, no, we hang out. This is our thing. So that after they considered enough to order me something i could eat, and then further surprised me with a gluten free chocolate mouse that had a cookie on it that said, happy birthday karen, and sung me happy birthday. My deep watered self felt like an ass- and also deeply moved. And conflicted, and honored, and pained.

Anyway i dont know exactly what I'm saying. Except that being included is something I didn't expect, or care about? or I don't know--  it's like falling in deeper water when you expected to just skim the surface.  It's something I can't quite grasp but it's significant. And i hope that I reach out to return the gesture- or aren't so glib as i usually can be about a lot of things. In general i like my sarcasm- but like the other day i was reminded. .. a guy at VB was saying, something about how nice it was, the communityness, and boistering hope and something- and I said, is this restoring your faith in humanity or something?- and he rather off-handedly said- No. I never lost it. And i can say i'm probably somewhere in between. His sincerity touched me and there was no room for a joke or complaint. It just was. I don't know. Or as the koreans love love love to say 'mol-la-yo'. mol-la. mol-la-yo- i don't-know.

k.g/nite.

Appearances

what are your top 4 things about korea?

ok, hmm, let's see i'd say best things about the island so far right? they have really good broth/stew things. the two best dishes i've had involve meat stewed with rice, seaweed, and vege. i'll have to get the names. obviously the low cost of living is a plus, and the ocean view. it seems a shallow list everytime i try and think of something... because to me even top things imply love- and i don't have any loves yet or transcendent moments that were 'the best time ever!'. i have a feeling they'll seep into me slowly and will be things i miss once i'm gone- like cherry blossoms, and magpies or the infuriating wind, or the windows in my apartment or the latte at yogerpresso, or maybe the handsome older gentleman in the golf cap and tweeds who just absolutely smacks of style and finesse that i ride the bus with at 11:10. we'll see. so nothing to rave about yet, but there was a feeling i had last night of meeting with some girls to pray and learn about meditation and i felt a grounding welcoming presence and that was nice.

do you have time to read and journal?

though school is ridiculously consuming compared to most hagwans on the island, it's more a matter of will than opportunity. i downloaded my first audible. pillars of the earth. we'll see. i read curiousity shop online and have read a few grimms fairytales and 'open mind/open heart'... so i suppose that's not so bad. they have to compete with my music habits which are constant, as well as my copious downloading of what i'm missing from home. even today i'm home later than i would be on saturdays and haven't done anything but futz with my apt- sweep, declutter if thats possible and email people. journaling besides this is taking a major beating and has been for years. every so often i'll journal what i'm meditating on or a prayer at church but that's it. so as much as i love the idea and have a few empty ones waiting for me at home i dont really use them anymore which is such a bummer.

what creative outlet are you allowing yourself at the moment?

i don't know. they find me. i mean i made that giraffe thing. i stitched curtains. i made a friend photo collage when i got here but so far that's it. nothing else has set its sight as my must do project when i get home. i did find a couple cheap containers to throw some seeds in and we'll see what comes up provided i can find a place to put them...

pictures of hyuk joon's devil and monster?

his and a few other kids drawings that i laminated... nevermind that i can't decorate my classroom bcs  they want them to look uniform and that the school itself is a weird impersonal and sterile place for a kids school. i'll have to settle for trying to invade spaces on my white board for now. for instance i had a window sticker thing the kids gave me of a cat and i came into the classroom one day to see it had been broken into tiny bits- not sure if someone tried to take it down and move it and it became really brittle or she  whoever was being a horrible person. and super controlling without actually saying anything but just moving everything off the wall to make a point.

but on a better note i'm off to find a volleyball tournament team to play in, grocery shopping, and watching some wind surfers outside my window and the cat param-ah curled up next to me on a pillow and some zydeco music playing on itunes. it's saturday and the day awaits... and i get paid on the 10th. there's always that.

The help class,

Everyday the kid walks in. I ask, how are you? He says, angry. I say, aw, Hyuk Joon (huckjune) still angry? Yes. Today instead of doing the assignment, which really is standard practice for him, he was drawing, which is better than picking up the desk above the head which he does also, or wandering around the room and opening the windows or scrawling on ye jins perfect homework much to her ire. Today, he said, angel. I thought it was an improvement because normally he follows that pronouncement up with "dark angel"... and then i say, oh devil, since i don't want to complicate things with "demon" and yes dark angel is also correct but we prefer the direct contrasting of angel/devil to make the point (he's only 8 anyway). So i spelled angel on the board, so at the very least he could be learning something. And then I said, Hyuk Joon angel. He said, no, teacher angel.

Now something like that would be heart warming but he didn't mean it quite like that- maybe he did. It was more a curious matter of fact.Which you know, revelation of spiritual realities and all that. He knows I dwell in the light and whatever is harassing him definitely doesnot. I said, hyuk joon angel. He says again, no, teacher angel. I get where he's going now but just to emphasize how much i disagree, i say hyuk joon angel, ye jin angel, teacher angel. He let it go. But then he also said, mmm, devil, at his drawing. I will have to photo it for you all. So i wrote the word on the board. And then sometime later a monster was surrounding the dark angel/devil. So then I wrote monster on the board. He eventually erased all the 3 words and was adamant i not keep his drawing which i did anyway.

That's all for now.
It's raining. Again. Kronos time is crawling along this week. But it promises to be sunny for the weekend. I still dont' have a phone but i do have sunglasses. 3 1/2 months seemed really long just days ago and now it seems nothing. Whatever time. You're so fickle. I don't even know why i pay attention. 

kik.

Another Sunday,

An older korean woman came up to me the other sunday. She keeps coming back to me just to say hi. I'm easy to spot obviously in a small place. She has short no nonsense hair, lithe, but hiding in somber business clothing, mirthful but currently sad eyes. She was burdened and said she could use prayer. I said I would pray for her and she gave me her business card. I caught it up like a beverage and took it home with me. And finally emailed her Saturday night. Then she came up to me this Sunday and grabbed my hand and held it and continued to press her hands into mine and thanked me over and over again. She kept saying, something happened to me this week. Your words were a comfort. They were a blessing. I couldn't quite get her to tell me what happened and when she went to explain something I couldn't understand, she dropped my hand and walked off like something she would come back to when she'd sorted herself out again. She prayed for the service and she started to cry, and I prayed with her in quiet and I thought what she said was beautiful, she wants Jeju to be the land of milkandhoney. Then when the service was over she grabbed me again and asked me what I was doing. I didn't have any definitive plans except with the 20somethings but I said, nothing and she said, come with me quickly. We'll go to lunch. She literally dragged me off in a minute flat and her eldest?son begged off and she explained since he didn't speak english he didn't want to come.

She drove me into the city and off a side street into a charming house turned restaurant, where there were private dining rooms seperated by sliding wood doors. We sat on the woodfloor and had warm water. She ordered us steaming pots of chicken stuffed with dates and rice in a broth, and a medium sized abalone. There were seaweed sides, fern, potato, minnows, 2 kinds of kimchi, and a few others. Afterward there were small sweet cakes with a sweet filling and hot tea.

She said she could tell i was spiritual and that's why she chose me and then she began to tell me her story. Her husband,  may or may not have been the governor of a particular place? She uttered the word Kairos which totally thrilled me. She's met mother teresa when she lived in Italy for 4 years. Her first meeting went something like- well you know, they take on names. I said, yes. She said, well when I met her i said, I have no name. She said, Mother Teresa laughed and laughed.  I can see it and it's pretty awesome to picture though I'm sorrily conveying it. Needless to say her western name was thusforward Teresa.

It was hard to figure out how fast to talk and bridging our accents on spiritual topics. To convey spiritual desolation and the consolation of new believers... to say we are a creation subject to frustration, but that we hope in God. She feels a burden for the people here and she showed me how she illustrates hope and despair to students who she shares the gospel with- which was beautiful. I was a bit blown over by her honesty and the depth to which we needed or did travel in scrunched up faces and very carefully listening ears. And talking to a couple people about the experience they all sort of gape open their mouths and say- wow, she opened up to you? You're a foreigner. I was like I don't know. Yes? But then I'm also like, frickin YES! Awesome. God is awesome.
She drove me home and I promised to meet with her again, to hear the history of her people and to pray for her.

I dashed upstairs to my new flatmate M, since i promised to meet her at 2 and was already late. We took a walk to the bustop and we saw a magpie dying on the ground. Something I had just 2months prior imagined happening, but instead of by a bush it was out in the open and staring straight at us in the grounds of a community center, twitching, possibly it's neck broken? She wanted to do something for it and I said, well what can we do but say, Go with God magpie? I said, he has his friends who are with him... and then my head already swimming a bit, we took a long busride and in the accompanying 4 hours M began to tell me her story also...

nexttime.
k.